This story was inspired by the Garth Brooks song The Dance, a song of love, loss, and finding the way to go on. Set end of Dec. 2002
Part I
"What is she doing here?"
Brenda Barrett-Morgan looked up from her magazine that she was idly flipping through and cast a weary glance at the front door where her husband and his blonde companion stood in the doorway. She gave a disinterested sniff and turned back to her magazine. Jason had created this current mess and she had no interest in making things easy on him.
"I'm his wife. Therefore, I belong here," she said looking at her magazine. "I think the question is, what are you doing here?"
"Jason wants me here."
Brenda looked back up, weighed the blondes and seriously found them both wanting. She had no idea what was going on in Jason's mind, but she saw the way he had scowled at the woman's statement that he wanted her there. That just made the whole thing easier. If she thought that Jason truly loved the girl she would step aside and never say a word.
After all, it's what Jason had done with Jax. She'd moved out until this whole mess with Alcazar's death occurred and then she and Jason had been forced to continue on with this sham of a marriage. It was almost Christmas and she wanted to be in her cottage, decorating it and sitting in front of the fireplace with Jax, but it didn't look good for her to be living in the house her married lover had bought for her. So here she was in a boring penthouse that Jason refused to let her decorate, while his lover was constantly showing up.
Standing up, she looked at Courtney. "Well, he may want you here, but I don't. So be good little adulterers and go find a hotel."
"Like you and Jax do?" Courtney sneered.
"Jax has his own place. But since you're a pathetic little girl who's moved in with her brother, you think you can just waltz in here anytime you want."
"Like you own this place," Courtney said as she put her hands on her hips. "It's Jason's."
"Community property, baby," Brenda laughed haughtily as she walked away. Just as Skye had decided to not let her have the cottage, so too did Brenda refuse to just sit downstairs or go shopping whenever Jason decided to entertain Courtney. She saw Jason's dark scowl, but she chose to ignore it. It was much more fun to see the exasperation on the blonde's face.
"You'll get out if Jason tells you to," Courtney snipped.
"Well then, let's ask my dear husband, shall we? Do you want me to go, Jason?"
"Yes, please. And far away."
Brenda turned to the new voice in the room. Carly. Of course. If it wasn't Courtney in her home at all times, it was Carly. As if Jason hadn't already done enough for her and her miserably selfish husband, she was constantly over here demanding he do more.
Apparently Jason Morgan hadn't lost all of her friend Jason Quartermaine in the accident. He was still doing what everyone else wanted. And he was wound tighter than a spring and she feared that one day he was just going to snap and let loose on everyone in sight. He pretended to be content, to be happy with Courtney, but he wasn't. There was something missing in his eyes, in his life, and every day Brenda was becoming more determined to find out what it was.
"Well, unless Jason has become a ventriloquist, he didn't tell me to leave."
"Why can't you just go away?" Carly sneered. "You're just an annoying pest."
"Oh, wow, did you spend all night thinking that up?" Brenda laughed. "No wonder your eyes look dark and puffy."
Carly's eyes snapped and she started to step forward when Jason bellowed, "Enough! All of you stop!"
"But, Jase-"
"No, Carly."
"She started it."
"Oh listen to yourself," Brenda scoffed at Courtney. Then she sing-songed, "'She started it'."
"Brenda," Jason growled. His hands were clenching into fists at his side and the vein in his forehead was ticking wildly. She couldn't remember seeing him look this angry before. And she'd goaded him into some wonderful fights.
"Sorry."
"All of you are making me crazy. When I get back every one of you better be gone."
"Where are you going?" Courtney asked.
"Out."
The word was said with such force and venom that all three ladies jumped. They all remained silent as Jason stormed out and slammed the door behind him. The walls shook with the vibration. Carly and Courtney then advanced toward Brenda.
Holding up her hands she said, "You heard him. He wants us gone. And I really don't need to be told twice, so I'm going to go see Jax."
"Then don't let us stop you," Carly smirked.
"Uh-uh. This is my house, no matter how much that irritates you, and I want you gone."
"Jason is my friend."
"And mine," Courtney chimed in behind her sister-in-law.
"Is that what they're calling it these days? Doesn't matter, I'm not leaving until you do. No way you're staying here in my house. So get out."
The two blondes still stayed. Irritated beyond measure Brenda marched past them, wrenched open the door, and shouted, "Max!"
Max came around the corner from Sonny's penthouse and looked at her. "Yes?"
"Get Mrs. Corinthos and Mrs. Quartermaine out of my house. And do not let them in while Jason and I are gone."
"Geez, what crawled up your butt and died?" Carly asked, holding up her hand to stop Max's advance toward her. "We're leaving."
Brenda waited until they were gone and then slammed the door behind them and flipped the locks. A few more days like today and they'd have to replace the doorframe. Somehow she didn't think this mess of their lives would be so easy to repair.
Jason stood on the stairs, ignoring the bitter wind that was stinging his cheeks and making his eyes water. It didn't matter. Nothing did anymore. Why would it since he had stopped caring long ago? Walking down the stairs, he stopped at the edge of the docks and looked out over the water to Spoon Island. The sun was setting, but with the leaden skies, it was barely discernable. Merely a change in the shades of gray.
His life was a mess. He knew it. Probably others did as well. The question remained how to fix it? That he wasn't sure of. There was one person who could probably tell him, but they weren't speaking anymore. And...it was kind-of hard to talk to somebody who wasn't even in town.
Jason took his hands out of the pockets of his leather jacket and scrubbed them over his face. He could barely stomach his life anymore, and he certainly didn't like looking in the mirror for any longer than was necessary. And sometimes even that was too long. Married to Brenda, sleeping with Courtney, and ever-loyal friend and employee to Carly and Sonny.
His life was seriously screwed up.
Deciding that since he already had a headache, a little more torture wouldn't hurt. He let his eyes roam towards Elizabeth's building. She had disappeared right after Thanksgiving, and nobody knew where. Courtney had gotten into a snit about it because Bobbie had guilted her into staying when she'd planned to quit. Now that Sonny was taking care of her she felt she was too good for a mere waitressing job.
He blinked to clear his vision and peered at the window of Elizabeth's studio. The light was on. Could it be possible that she was home? He took two steps forward before indecision made him stop. She hadn't told him she was going to leave, not like they were talking anyway before she left. What was he supposed to do, just show up and say he saw the light and he missed her? Like that would really work.
His eyes narrowed in suspicion. There were several shadows passing in front of the window, and all of them were too tall to be Elizabeth. Once again he started to walk toward the building, then he stopped himself. She said he didn't need to tell her about his life, and by leaving the way she did she obviously felt the same towards him.
He turned around and walked towards Kelly's. He'd get a cup of coffee and head home. Hopefully Courtney wouldn't try to come back over tonight. At least he knew he wouldn't see her at the diner since she'd finished her shift for the day. Maybe instead of going home, he'd just go for another ride. He really didn't feel like dealing with the women in his life anymore tonight.
Stepping into the courtyard of Kelly's, he gave a quick glance inside. His shoulders dropped in disappointment. The chances of Elizabeth being there had been slim, but somehow he couldn't stop the hope that had started to form after seeing the lights on in her studio. What he saw instead made him think twice about going inside.
Bobbie, Tammy, Luke, Lucky, Nikolas and Gia were the only ones inside besides Alexis. She was talking to them and apparently it wasn't good information because everyone looked shocked, except for Bobbie who was beginning to cry, followed shortly afterwards by Tammy. He thought briefly maybe something had happened to Laura Spencer, but why would that involve Tammy?
He didn't care. All he knew was he no longer felt like coffee. The company inside the diner didn't particularly appeal to him. An all-night ride was sounding better by the minute. He turned and started to pull on his gloves when the door opened.
"Jason?"
He turned around and faced Alexis. "Yes?"
"I'm glad I saw you. I needed to talk to you."
"Why?" he asked. What could she possibly have to say to him? More insults about Kristina's death? No, she'd gotten past that, even sorta apologized. Maybe it was questions about Alcazar's death. He'd heard how Alcazar had left her in the snow when she went into labor; she was pretty distraught after the birth.
"It's a delicate matter," she said. "Business."
"Then it can wait until business hours." He really didn't know where that had come from, except he just wanted to get to his motorcycle and try and lose himself.
"That's fine," she said, her voice professional, yet tinged with something he couldn't identify. "I actually have some things I need to deliver to you. And obviously I don't have them with me. What time?"
"Nine."
"Make it ten, I don't move as quick in the mornings since Kristina was born. See you at your place?"
"That's fine," he said, not really caring. He'd just get rid of Brenda. Give her his credit card, or tell her to go annoy Jax.
"See you tomorrow then, Jason," she told him. Then she turned and walked out of the courtyard.
Jason gave one last look inside at the people who were sitting there, holding hands, stunned and looking hurt. He shook his head. Whatever. Walking to his motorcycle he turned off his cell phone before he climbed on. Maybe he'd be able to outrun his brain, but somehow he seriously doubted it.
At 9:45 Jason walked down the stairs and looked over Brenda where she sat reading the same insipid magazine. She'd been asleep when he came in at 4:30, and he was surprised she was even home. She figured she would be with Jax. It actually would have been preferable and easier for him. But when did things go his way?
"I have a meeting at ten. You need to go."
"Well, good morning to you, too," Brenda's voice carried to him in the kitchen. "What time did you get in?"
Jason walked out, cup of coffee in hand, his motorcycle boots thumping across the wooden floors. He merely glared at her. Why was she still here?
"Brenda, go. I have a meeting."
"So you said. I'll go when you answer my question."
"Go!"
"You heard the man," Carly crowed from the doorway.
"Same goes for you," Jason growled at her. "And next time, knock. You don't live here; stop barging in like you own the place."
"Jase-"
"Go!"
"Jason?" Sonny questioned as he came through the door, Courtney following right behind him. "What's going on?"
"He was kicking the snake out of his house. About time."
"Actually I was going because Jason has a meeting."
"We don't have a meeting," Sonny said, stepping further inside.
"No, we don't. But I do." He pinched the bridge of his nose. Could this day get any worse?
"With who?" Sonny asked.
"With me," Alexis answered. "Sorry I'm early, Jason."
"No, it's alright," he told her. "Come in."
Sonny and Carly glared at him and Courtney merely looked puzzled by the whole situation. Brenda reached for her jacket, but then apparently changed her mind as she dropped it back on the couch. She stood behind him at a slight distance, but said nothing.
"What's going on?" Carly questioned.
"I don't know. Alexis told me she needed to see me, so I told her to come by this morning."
He knew the explanation would do nothing to stop her questions, but didn't go on. This day was already shot, and it wasn't even lunchtime.
"What could you possibly want with Jason?" Carly hissed. "Spew more insults?"
"It's a private matter. I'm the executor of an estate and I have some things for Jason."
Jason peered at her. Executor of an estate? Lila was still alive, so it wasn't her. And he couldn't imagine anyone else having something to give him. And he knew from glancing around the room that he could either let everyone stay and hear it now as he did, or he'd be hounded mercilessly until he answered all their questions. Best to take the easy route.
"Alright," he shrugged. "Have a seat and let's get this started."
She walked toward the chair next to the couch and set several packages down beside it, before seating herself. The others in the room just made themselves at home, the Corinthos family taking the couch and Brenda standing near the pool table. He perched himself on the edge of his desk, so he could have a direct view of Alexis. She pulled some documents out of her briefcase along with her glasses, which she put on before looking up.
"I was contacted three days ago by a lawyer in Italy. An American had been involved in an accident and had given him my name to contact. This person knew their time was short and asked that I be in charge of overseeing their affairs."
"Stop the legal talk and cut the chase, Alexis," Sonny snapped.
Alexis ignored his outburst and kept her gaze fixed on Jason. His eyes locked with hers and he swallowed hard. No. It wasn't. It couldn't be. Please. Please let her not say what he was certain she was about to. He gripped the edge of the desk and tried to swallow. Willed himself to swallow. Tried to remember how he was supposed to breathe. No. Please.
Alexis slipped off her glasses and he thought he saw tears form in the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Jason. It was Elizabeth Webber."
And his world fell apart.
Part II
Elizabeth.
No. Please, no.
Not Elizabeth.
All he could see was Alexis. Everything else was dark and fuzzy around the edges. Elizabeth was dead.
"How?" He wasn't sure how he'd gotten the word out past the apple-sized lump in his throat. He didn't even care about the raw tone.
"A car accident. She was on a moped." Alexis paused and looked down before meeting his gaze again. "She didn't want you to know the details. But she was insistent that you receive certain items."
Items? She gave him things? Oh, no. He knew what one item was, but what else could there be?
Alexis stood and picked up the packages beside her chair and crossed to Jason. One was large and flat. Yep. He didn't know what the other one was; all he could focus on was the larger, painting-sized one. He didn't even care that his hands were shaking as he reached for them, and he barely heard Alexis tell him there was a letter in the smaller box. Nor did he really process her offer to call anytime to talk, all he could focus on was the way the room seemed to be growing dimmer and the way the floor seemed to be tilting.
"Jason?"
He merely stared at the two packages in his hands.
"Jason? Sonny, stop sitting around like an idiot and help me get into a chair," Brenda's voice barely cut through the fog surrounding him, and vaguely he was aware of hands on his arms guiding him to the chair Alexis had vacated. He felt someone reach for the packages, but he refused to let them go, even when Brenda tried to get him to drink a glass of water.
"Please go." His voice was barely a whisper, but he found her eyes and pleaded with her. "Please get them out of here."
He hardly noticed the calamity that ensued as Brenda cleared the apartment, but he didn't care. They'd invited themselves to stay, and now he just wanted them gone. Finally the door closed and there was silence. Blissful silence. Unfortunately the numbness in his brain was starting to wear off and the noise inside him was hitting with full force. He leaned back in the chair, the painting resting flat on his legs, and lightly ran his hands over the brown paper. Abruptly he stood, set the packages down, and walked into the kitchen for a beer. He was going to need it. He detoured to the hall closet on his way back to the chair, and reached into the back corner and pulled out the yellow afghan Elizabeth had used when she stayed with him.
Sitting down, he put the afghan around him and drank deeply from the beer bottle. Slowly he took the paper off, and stared down at The Wind. Squeezing his eyes closed tightly, he couldn't prevent a few tears from escaping. This was never how he envisioned finally getting his painting. Somehow he always thought it would be because he and Elizabeth had decided to hang it in their house together.
"Well, you know, it's a little hard to carry on a bike."
"All right, so maybe it wasn't the most appropriate gift."
"No, it's just not one I could take with me. It's one I have to come back to."
And he had come back to it. He didn't know why he left it with her, especially after he returned this time. He'd asked about it, but he never took it. Maybe it was because he liked that he had to see her as well if he wanted to look at it. Now it was his, but he knew he'd never be able to truly see it without Elizabeth. She's been the one who taught him how to look at it. However, that wasn't going to stop him from hanging it up and trying to see it anyway.
He put the painting down on the coffee table and picked up the smaller package. He slipped off the paper and saw a small box, dark blue with red and purple shapes around the edges in a repeating geometric pattern. He lifted the hinged lid, took out the letter and set it aside for later, then looked at the remaining contents. His head dropped back and more tears escaped before he could squeeze them back behind his eyelids.
Lifting his head he took another drink, then pulled out the first object. It seemed like ages ago that he gave it to her, instead of mere months. He just remembered seeing it when he was in Italy and having to buy it because it reminded him of her.
"I brought you something."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I picked it up for you when I was in Italy."
"Oh, wow, Jason, this is beautiful."
"It reminded me of you. I mean, the way you paint."
"Oh, please, I wish. How come you never sent it?"
"Well, I just -- you know, I needed to be able to see you, make sure you still want a post card from me."
He thought she was still with Lucky when he got it, so he never sent it to her. But after he got her out of the crypt he had to give it to her. He had almost lost her, and it seemed selfish to keep it when he had bought it for her. He remembered the smile that crossed her lips, as she realized he had thought of her, and he was glad that he'd finally given in to the impulse. And now here he sat with it, it was his again. Because he had lost Elizabeth permanently. She wasn't just missing and he could go out and find her, she was gone forever.
He sat the postcard on the arm of the chair and picked up the small piece of red glass. The original piece had been bigger when he gave it to her for Valentine's Day.
"What an incredible red."
"Happy Valentine's Day."
"Jason, you keep this. It's important to you."
"It's not a ruby. It's a hunk of glass. Take it."
"Thank you. It's beautiful"
"Yeah. There, you kind of -- you really need to take it outside to see the -- to see the light coming through. And I'd go with you if I could."
"It's perfect here."
He remembered the day they fought after Lucky had attacked him on the docks. After he left her studio he heard the sound of breaking glass, but he never knew what it was. Fingering the small shard, he now knew. She'd broken the glass he'd given her, but she still kept a piece of it. Had she regretted her action? Is that why she kept it?
He finished off the remaining beer as he mind wandered. Alexis said Elizabeth had been in Italy. She had always wanted to go, and it looks like she had. How much had been able to see? Did she see the glass blowers? Did she see Venice? Had she finally discovered that the light truly was different in Italy? He hoped she did. He always hoped that when she saw it, he'd be right there with her. Now that would never happen. If he ever went back to Italy he knew it would be forever cold and empty without her, just like the last time he was there.
Errantly wiping at the few tears that kept escaping; he put the glass down on top of the post card and pulled out the last item. A quarter attached to a chain. Why did she have a quarter and why was she giving it to him? He played with the quarter, until it finally rested on his thumb, as if he was going to flip it into the air. And that's when he knew.
"Wait, wait. Hold on. What about my quarter?"
"This? This isn't a quarter. It's a good luck charm. And I'm keeping it."
He couldn't believe she had. For over three years she had kept a simple quarter. Only Elizabeth.
Jason remembered them all. The memories behind the gifts, the way her eyes had lit up each time he gave one too her. He would have smiled at the memory, if only his heart wasn't caught in a painful vise. They had gone their separate ways, so why did it hurt so much to know he would never be able to give her another gift? That he would never see her eyes sparkle with glee?
He stood, put the items back in the box and closed the lid. Picking up the painting, he walked to the fireplace and rested 'The Wind' on top of the mantle, vowing that he would hang it up properly when he got back. He needed a ride. Setting the box to the left of the painting, he stepped back, turned and picked up the letter as he walked to the door. He grabbed his jack and stepped out into the hallway.
As he stood waiting for the elevator, the door to Sonny's penthouse opened and Courtney walked out. Had she been standing by the door waiting for him? He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't want to deal with her right now.
"Jason?" she said softly, putting her hand on his arm.
He said nothing, merely dipped his head in her general direction as he pulled his arm back.
"Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Do you want some company?"
"No." The word was forceful and hard. To her credit she didn't flinch, much.
"Do you know when you'll be back?"
"What's with all the questions, Courtney?" he demanded. "I don't know, okay? I'm going out. I'll be back when I'm back. If you need something, ask your brother."
He jerked his head over her shoulder to where Sonny was standing, a glass of scotch in his hand. Sonny didn't look happy, but right now Jason just didn't care.
"Jason," Courtney tried one more time.
"Don't you get it?" he asked, tenuously holding on to his temper by a thin thread. "The woman I love is dead. I don't really have time for this right now. I need to go."
The elevator doors slid open and he stalked inside before they'd fully retracted. He punched the button for the garage and ignored Courtney and Sonny who'd come to collect her. As the elevator began its descent he dropped his head back and let it fall against the wall with a resounding thud. It felt so good that he did it several more times. His life just got even more screwed. His outburst with Courtney guaranteed that.
But he couldn't deny his words. He did love Elizabeth. He never stopped, no matter how many times he told himself it would be better that he did. He loved her, and it was strangely liberating to finally say it out loud. He just regretted that he'd been too frightened to say it before now, and that Elizabeth would never hear the words.
Jason slowed the motorcycle, bringing it to a full stop, then leaning heavily against the handlebars. His chest was painfully constricted, and he knew it wasn't from the cold stealing his breath. It was because no matter how fast he drove, no matter how recklessly he took the turns, he still felt empty. He couldn't erase the ghost impressions of her arms wrapped tightly around him. He couldn't outrun the echo of her laugh. She haunted him.
He climbed off his bike and walked down to the bridge. This seemed like the natural place to come. Memories of Elizabeth surrounded him. There were faint traces of Robin, but he would forever associate this place with Elizabeth. He'd almost gone to Vista Point, but the last time he'd seen Elizabeth there, he'd been with Courtney. He couldn't go back there, ever.
Leaning against the concrete rail, he could almost hear Elizabeth's voice.
"How far down does it go?"
"Far. You can't see the water at night, but you can hear it if you're quiet."
He pulled the letter from his pocket and turned to catch the light. His name was across the envelope in bold type. Opening the envelope, he pulled out several pieces of paper covered in neat, masculine handwriting. Elizabeth must have dictated the letter in the hospital.
Dear Jason,
I'm sorry. Sorry that in my need to unburden myself, I've probably added to yours. I never wanted to be a burden to you, but my time is short and I need to tell you how I feel.
I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. You were the bright spot of my life and I know I only brought you pain. I can't help but look back and regret so many of the decisions I made. I'm always second-guessing my decisions, and I figure why should I stop now.
I regret not believing you about Lucky. I regret not taking your hand that day in April. I regret that I ever stopped that night in my studio when we finally kissed. I regret my decisions for the rest of this past summer. I regret not fighting harder for you. I regret walking away from you after Sonny returned and I regret not letting you explain.
Most of all, I regret never telling you that I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it frightened me. I lost myself in Lucky, and I knew it would be so easy to lose myself in you. I didn't want that. I wanted to be on equal footing with you. You needing me as much as I needed you. And in my fear and my pride I screwed it all up.
Please, Jason, don't do what I did. Please don't be afraid to tell someone that you love her. Please find happiness in your life. You, most of all, deserve that. Even if you don't believe it, I do. Believe in my dreams. I had wonderful dreams of you and me.
I will love you always. And I cherish every moment I had with you. You brought me so much, and my life truly is better because of you. Please, promise me that you'll have a good life.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Water splashed onto the paper as Jason's tears ran unchecked down his face. The papers in his hand fluttered to the ground as he slid down the side of the bridge and leaned heavily against it. He had no idea how long he sat there, but when he finally stood up, it was dark. Slowly, his muscles stiff and protesting the cold and their inactivity, he climbed on his bike and returned to Harborview Towers.
These next few days wouldn't be easy, or pleasant, but he didn't care. He had some things to take care of, and an obligation to an old friend. He'd lost sight of things recently, but he was seeing things differently now.
Coming off the elevator, Jason wasn't surprised to see Sonny standing by his door. Nor was he surprised by the dark and murderous look on the man's face. He didn't care. He'd taken down bigger men than Sonny Corinthos. This wouldn't be pretty, but he wasn't backing down. He unlocked his door, walked inside and dropped his keys on the desk. Stripping off his jacket, he headed into the kitchen and returned with two beers. He didn't sip scotch like Sonny, and if the older man didn't like the beer, then pardon him.
"We need to talk," Sonny ground out, even as he accepted the bottle.
Jason took a long pull, then crossed his arms over his chest. His piercing eyes met Sonny's and he was inwardly pleased when the older man blinked first. "You're right. We do."
Part III
"What was all of that out in the hallway earlier?" Sonny asked, looking at Jason like he had grown a second head or something.
"The truth."
"You hurt Courtney."
Jason sighed. He knew he had, but she kept pushing and he had snapped. "Not my intention, but I needed to be alone."
"So, you love Elizabeth Webber?" Sonny asked, not even trying to mask his tone into something polite.
Jason paused, his beer halfway to his mouth. "Yes."
"Even though you've been fooling around with Courtney?" Sonny asked, his anger mounting.
"Yes. It was a mistake," Jason admitted.
"You don't claim to love one woman while sleeping with another," Sonny growled.
"Why not?" Jason snapped. "I did it to Robin with Carly, just like you did with Lily and Brenda."
Sonny took a small step forward and narrowed his eyes. "Lily was business."
"So was Courtney," Jason shot back. "You ordered me to guard her and I did. We both mistook hero-worship for something more."
"Let me get this straight. You never cared for Courtney? Were you just using her? My sister was nothing more than someone to keep your bed warm?"
Jason clenched his jaw and then bit out. "No more than she was using me to hurt A.J. Your sister didn't just stand back and wind up seduced. She pursued."
"Don't you dare say those things about Courtney," Sonny hissed, his eyes turning lethal.
Jason dropped his arms and closed the space between him and his boss. His free hand clenched into a tight fist. "I will only apologize for making a mistake and leading your sister on. I don't love her. I love Elizabeth, but she's gone and I missed my chance."
"And because the woman who walked away from you died, you're going to dump Courtney? You truly are a fool."
Jason took several deep breaths and tried to push down the urge that was calling out for him to punch the man standing in front of him. He hadn't expected Sonny to understand. Ever since Courtney had turned to him and decided to accept him as her brother he was totally focused on her happiness and what she wanted or needed. But Sonny had bounced between Brenda and Lily, hurting both of them in the process. Then he'd walked away from Brenda on their wedding day for...oh who knows exactly what had been going through Sonny's head. So why couldn't Sonny understand that Jason had made a mistake, pushed away the woman he loved and gotten involved with the wrong woman? Probably because the wrong woman happened to be Sonny's sister.
"So what? Do you want to order me to continue sleeping with your sister? Courtney and I are done. We never should have gotten together in the first place. I'm sorry if that offends you, but I am an adult. And I make my own decisions."
Sonny turned away, his dark eyes cold as black granite, and Jason merely shrugged and finished the rest of his beer. He didn't know why he expected anything less of his boss. He and Sonny had ceased being friends long before now, it merely took sitting in the snow for untold hours for that realization to come to him.
"You are my friend."
Jason almost laughed, but instead gave a derisive snort. "No, I'm not. We just hung on to the illusion. I'm your partner, and your employee, but that's all about to change."
"What?" Sonny asked in disbelief. Jason didn't know which part he was questioning more, but he didn't care. It was time to cut his losses and get out.
"I want out. Of everything. So I'll sell my half to you. I'm leaving town in forty-eight hours. I'd like to sign the paperwork before I go."
"You're leaving?"
"Yes. There's nothing left for me here except bad memories. So there's no reason to stay." Jason walked to the door and opened it. His voice was full of resignation when he said. "I'll talk to Courtney before I go, but I need to pack. So you need to leave."
When Brenda returned to the penthouse the next morning, the last thing she expected to see was a suitcase sitting beside several boxes of files. The room was dark, except for gray light filtering in from the leaden skies and Jason's desk lamp. The lamp had been removed from the desk and was sitting on the mantle, its light illuminating a painting she had never seen before. Jason was sitting in the chair, which he'd turned to face the fireplace and was staring up at the picture, his head resting on the brown leather of the back. Several empty beer bottles lay on the floor at his feet and several more were shattered in the empty fireplace.
"Jason?" she asked as she stepped into the room and towards the couch. "Jason?"
"Hey," he said, his gaze never leaving the painting. "I'm glad you're here."
Whoa. Back up. Jason was glad she was here? Jason despised her presence in his home and never had any qualms about letting her know, loudly.
"You are?" she asked, not really believing. She was expecting Alan Fundt to jump out and say she was on Candid Camera.
"Yeah. Now I don't have to track you down before I leave."
"Oh, where are you going?"
"Away."
She sat on the couch and waited, but he said nothing more. Finally in annoyance she huffed out. "Away? Where? When? For how long?"
"Yes. Don't know. Tomorrow. Permanently."
She blinked and leaned back into the soft leather as she processed his answers. "You're leaving for good? Tomorrow? Don't you think Sonny will be a little, I don't know, unhappy with that?"
"He already is," Jason said. "But I'm done. He's buying me out of the partnership, and that's it. I'm through with everything."
Brenda got up and walked over to the hearth, careful to avoid the broken glass. It was annoying having a conversation with the side of Jason's face. "So, just like that, you're done?"
"Yes," he said.
He still hadn't looked at her, what was it about the painting that he couldn't tear his eyes away from it for two measly seconds? She had never seen him like this. She had heard since she'd returned, that Jason had once left the business before. He opened up a bike shop and he and Robin had lived in her old cottage with Carly's son for a while. But Robin had told her that it had been hard on Jason, he felt like he was betraying Sonny. She didn't see anything like that now. Jason didn't seem to care how Sonny took the news or what happened after he left.
"I'm leaving town," he continued on. "Leaving the country, actually. This whole mess with Alcazar's murder is nearly wrapped up. I don't need to be here for that. The police gave you up as a suspect long ago; they won't come after you again. I've already talked to Ric, once the murder trial is over he'll bring over the divorce papers. There won't be any reason for us to stay married. So, just sign them and he'll file them."
"What about you?"
"I've already signed them. He's worked out the reasons for me needing to leave town. Nobody'll even care. He's just waiting for the trial to be over. I'm giving you the penthouse. You can keep it, or you can sell it, it's up to you." A small smile quirked the corners of his mouth. "Sonny will probably try and buy it from you. Don't sell it to him. Drive him crazy."
She couldn't help herself. She threw her head back and laughed. Jason wanted her to annoy Sonny. That was simply too good, and all the encouragement she needed.
Then she sobered and truly looked at Jason. Man, he looked awful. She had never heard him speak of Elizabeth before, but there was no mistaking the pain that had crossed his face when Alexis said she was dead. He loved her. "Jason, how are you? Truly, how are you doing? Who was Elizabeth Webber?"
Jason reached for a beer bottle and took a drink. Her nose curled up as she watched. It had to be hours old and flat. She expected him not to answer, pull a stone cold enforcer mode, but he shrugged and said, "I'm great, can't you tell? The woman I love is dead. And my ex-boss and friend is mad at me for leading his sister on."
He had to be drunk. And she decided that a drunk Jason, and a sarcastic Jason wasn't an attractive sight. She would have almost preferred the silent treatment. But more than anything, she was stunned. Speechless in fact. Not only had he answered her question instead of telling her to leave him alone or fighting her ten ways 'til Sunday about it, but he admitted he loved Elizabeth Webber. She had suspected it, but she never expected Jason to actually admit it. She figured he would keep it close to the vest. But now the questions were running through her mind. If he loved Elizabeth, then why had he married her? Why wasn't he with Elizabeth? And why had he ever been with Courtney?
Finally she found her voice and let it fly. "You loved Elizabeth? Why didn't you say something when I asked you to marry me? I never would have pushed it. You said there was nothing holding you back. Why weren't you with her?"
"It's complicated," Jason said sadly. "We'd broken up, if you could ever really consider us together. She walked away after Sonny returned from the dead. I'd lied to her and she was hurt."
"Did you go after her? Tell her you love her?"
Jason closed his eyes and shook his head. "No. She was hurt and I never pushed. The first time I ever said I loved her was yesterday to Courtney. In front of Sonny."
"Oh." She could only imagine how well that had gone over. Probably about as well as the Hindenburg. "So why are you leaving?"
"I can't stay here," he said quietly. "It hurts too much. And to know that she's gone and I had nothing to do with it, it's killing me. I always pushed her away so she would be safe, so she wouldn't be hurt because of me. She'd nearly been killed several times just because she knew me. How could I be with her and put her in that danger?"
"Sonny used to try that too," Brenda said. "And in the end it was my mother that nearly killed me."
"That's the same logic Elizabeth tried on me. We sat on that couch," he said as he nodded his head to the side, "and she told me there were no guarantees in life. When you care about someone, there's always a risk, no matter what profession."
"Sounds like a smart woman," Brenda smiled. "Why exactly did you let her get away?"
Jason scowled, but finally said. "I was an idiot. I wasn't thinking straight."
"As evidenced by Courtney," she told him. "I could see you didn't really care for her, so I always wondered why you were with her. You were a coward."
That finally tore his eyes off the painting. "You were too afraid to go after what you wanted."
"No," Jason said as he eyes fell back on the spot above her head. "I was too hurt. Elizabeth and I were complicated."
"What relationship isn't?"
"We met after Robin had left and I lost Michael. She thought her boyfriend was dead. We connected over that, and then she saved my life."
"What?" she asked softly, when he once again fell silent. Having Jason talk to her was so strange. It was almost like talking to her old friend Jason Quartermaine. Almost. But she didn't want to break this spell. She was curious; she would be the first to admit it. But she also felt Jason needed to get this out. And she had apparently caught him at the right time.
"I had been shot. A meeting went bad. I went to Sonny's and Carly came downstairs in his shirt. They'd slept together. He knew I cared for her and he slept with her." He stopped and Brenda could see it was an old scar that probably never fully healed. It was amazing he was still friends with them. She didn't think she could do the same.
"I left and went to the old boxcar in the woods. I don't know why, maybe to die. But Elizabeth found me, and she made me get up, she wouldn't give up on me."
"So what happened?" She could see Jason's face soften as he spoke of Elizabeth. His feelings for her had obviously started way back then.
"I left, Lucky came back. I came back, Lucky was different, pushing her away, and jealous of me I guess. I left again and Lucky and Elizabeth got back together. But when I came back the next time, things were difficult. They were having problems, Elizabeth and I were attracted to each other, I asked her to leave with me but she stayed. Lucky was being brainwashed by Helena Cassadine and Elizabeth felt she needed to stay with him."
"I'm sure that was hard, for both of you."
"Yeah," he said as he swallowed. "I left. When I came back this summer, I don't know. It started good, and I thought we had a chance. Then it all went wrong."
"I'm sorry, Jason," she said. And she was. His pain was evident on his face, in his voice. And suddenly she didn't want to know anymore. It would only hurt him more to make him tell it. And she knew that this summer Luis had been a large part of Sonny and Jason's problems. Sonny had faked his death to fool Alcazar, and the only reason Luis ever came here was because of her. It was weird and twisted, but she felt like she caused part of the problem.
"So, what's with the painting?" she asked, changing the subject, hoping to bring up something happier. "You could give a girl a complex by ignoring her like you have done to me since I came in."
When he dropped his gaze to meet hers the tears that slipped down his cheeks surprised her. "It's called 'The Wind'. She painted it for me. She didn't know that because of my accident I wouldn't be able to see, and I couldn't see it until she described it to me. It was her view of the world from the back of my bike."
Brenda stood to take a close look at the painting. The blurred colors seemed to fly by her, and she could see how it must have looked to Elizabeth. "It's good."
"Yeah. She always held on to it for me, since it didn't exactly fit on my bike. This isn't how I wanted to get it from her."
She turned as she heard his voice crack. Her questions about the box next to the painting died on her lips. Jason Morgan was openly crying. She walked to him and knelt down by the chair. "I'm so sorry, Jason."
"I just keep thinking, if I'd never gone to Jake's that night, if I'd just walked away and never came back, things would be so different. There would never have been all this pain."
"Pain is a part of life, Jason," Brenda told him. "But you can't live in the pain. You need to remember your good times with Elizabeth. Grab onto your favorite memories and cherish them. Don't become like Sonny and get lost in the dark."
"How do I do that?" he whispered. "Elizabeth was the one who helped me find the light. She made me see life in colors, to look at things differently. How can I do it without her? It's all just gray."
Brenda leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm. "I don't know, Jason. But you can't stay here, trapped inside staring at a painting for the rest of your life. You can't lock yourself away."
"I know, I know." He wiped his hands over his face and then scrubbed the moisture off on his jeans. "That's why I'm leaving. I know I can't stay here."
"I understand." And she did. It's why she never wanted Luis to bring her to Port Charles. To see it and the people that she cared about, and know that she could never go back to that life because of her illness was too much to bear. She didn't want the pain of seeing first hand what she couldn't have. It must be like that for Jason. Port Charles would always remind him of Elizabeth, and she was gone forever.
He stood wearily from the chair and stepped forward so he could switch off the lamp. The room was plunged into dark shadows and she stood up to meet him as he turned back towards her. "Thank you."
"Sure," she replied.
"It helped to talk. Now I understand why Elizabeth was so grateful, even when I did nothing more than listen."
"It helps."
"Yeah," he nodded, then sighed. "I'm going to go get some sleep. I was up all night and I have some things I need to do later today."
"Okay. Anything I can do?"
"No," he said. "I'll take care of the rest. You already did enough."
He walked towards the stairs and slowly climbed them. Calling after him she said, "Night, Jase."
Pausing on the landing he looked down at her. "Night."
Then he was gone, and Brenda couldn't help but think that she would never look at Jason Morgan the same way again.
Part IV
Breakfast was a quiet affair the following morning in the Corinthos house. Sonny had spent the day before locked away in meetings with lawyers, bankers and business associates. He was scrambling to get everything taken care of by Jason's deadline. And when he wasn't in meetings he was practically swimming in the mini bar. Courtney had never really thought of her brother as a drunk, but she was now reconsidering that notion.
In the time she had been living with Sonny and his family, she had noticed he never seemed to be far without a drink in his hand. Scotch in the afternoon, wine at dinner; brandy after dinner, cognac for a nightcap. It was beginning to gnaw at her because she had seen Sonny go off at Mike for his drinking, and he had continually belittled A.J. for his drinking problem. So far, the only difference she was seeing between him and her soon to be ex-husband was degrees. A.J. had at least admitted to her he had a problem. Sonny seemed to be oblivious to how much he truly drank, but she wasn't. And with each drink he took she expected him to destroy the mini bar. She had heard about Sonny's dark moods and his destructive tendencies, and ever since he told her and Carly about Jason leaving, she kept expecting those traits to manifest themselves.
Carly wasn't of much help where Sonny was concerned. She had pulled out some old photo albums and secluded herself in a corner. What glimpses Courtney caught of the photos had shown Jason with a young baby. She could only assume they were of Michael, since she'd heard about Jason taking care of Michael for his first year. It was something he'd never talked about with her, except for stating that A.J. couldn't be near Michael. He didn't talk about how it had felt to raise him.
When Carly wasn't looking at the photo albums, she was silently crying while looking out the window. There was a moment that passed between her brother and his wife as he said Jason was leaving, and whatever it was, it was enough to convince Carly that Jason was truly leaving, and never intended to return. Courtney didn't know what to make of it. Sure, Jason had been gone before, he'd told her that, others had told her that, but he always came back. Why were they so convinced that this time it was for good?
Courtney had tried to talk to Jason, but every time she went over there Brenda refused to let her in. She either said Jason was out or he didn't want to see anyone. When she tried after lunch, there was a guard, Francis, standing in front of Jason's door. He told her in no uncertain terms that she would no be going in, and he wouldn't even knock to see if Jason would make an exception. He was under strict order to not let anyone disturb Mr. or Mrs. Morgan. As she walked away, she thought she saw Francis look away in pain and close his eyes. That, she didn't understand, anymore than Jason's cold shoulder.
She couldn't make any sense of it. She was Sonny's sister, she and Jason were involved, and now she was being shut out, treated by a guard like she was someone Jason needed to be protected from. She refused to believe things were over between her and Jason. Things had been so good, it wasn't an illusion. She was sure of it. He just needed someone to help him see that losing Elizabeth wasn't as bad as he thought, just like he had shown her that losing A.J. hadn't been a terrible thing.
The door opened, pulling the three occupants at the table from their silent eating, and Jason walked into the room. Everyone stood up to greet him, and Courtney couldn't help but notice how tired he looked. He hadn't shaved, his eyes were listless and he looked defeated. He really needed someone to look out for him.
"Do you have the papers?" he asked without preamble, not even given them a greeting.
"Yeah," Sonny said, as he dropped his napkin on the table and walked over to the desk. He pulled out a file and handed it to Jason.
Jason looked over the documents and quickly signed them. Ric had delivered them before breakfast, and before she and Carly had disappeared upstairs, she'd heard him say that he'd made all the necessary changes Jason had wanted. She didn't know what that meant, but it had made Sonny's glare turn cold and sent him to the drink cart.
Jason straightened and said; "There you go. The transfer?"
Sonny nodded stiffly and picked up the phone. Within a few minutes he told Jason the transfer was complete. Jason said nothing, but swallowed and nodded his head. The two men stared at each other, and Courtney wondered who would be the first to speak. There was so much they obviously wanted to say, but she didn't think they ever would. Maybe if there weren't others in the room, but then again, probably not. Heart to hearts didn't strike her as something Jason and Sonny did.
"I need to go soon," Jason said, finally breaking the silence.
"Right, and I need to get down to the warehouse." Sonny shifted on his feet and then his voice dropped as he continued. "I'm sorry things ended this way."
"Me too," Jason admitted. "You gave me so much, when nobody else believed in me. I'll always owe you, and...and I'll never-"
Sonny waved his hand through the air, cutting Jason off and brushing away the words. "I never thought you would. Take care of yourself."
"You too."
Sonny extended his hand and Jason shook it tightly. Sonny's other arm came up towards Jason, and then he stopped and dropped it back down to his side. He turned and reached for his coat and walked out the door, not looking back. Jason closed his eyes until the door closed, and then dropped his head and shook it.
Courtney watched in silence, worried about her brother, but knowing that he had guards to take him where he needed to go. She hoped he didn't retreat back into the bottle as he had done the past day. Carly stepped towards Jason, and she didn't bother to hide her tears from Jason as she wrapped him in her arms.
"I'm going to miss you so much," she sniffled. "Are you sure you have to go? Just take a vacation. You know Sonny would give you the time off."
"Carly-"
"Jase, just because the little muffin is dead doesn't mean you have to abandon those of us that love you."
"Carly," Jason ground out, and pulled back to glare at her. His lips narrowed into a thin line, and Courtney couldn't ever remember him ever showing anger towards Carly.
"Jase," her sister-in-law went on, oblivious to his words, or maybe just not caring. "She left you. And she was never good enough for you. Why are you throwing everything away?"
Jason stepped back and put his hands on her shoulders, squeezing tightly. Courtney could see Carly stop and change her posture, bending her knees slightly to lessen the connection.
"If everyone in town insulted Sonny at every chance they got, told you he wasn't good enough for you, tried to convince you to date someone else, what would you do?"
"Thumb my nose at them, like I do now, and stay with Sonny," she said on a laugh strangled with tears.
"Because you love him and that's all that matters, right?" Jason questioned softly. When she nodded he continued. "Elizabeth may have hurt me, but I hurt her too. Should I have just let her walk away? No. Is my walking away going to change anything? No."
"Then don't go," Carly pleaded.
"I have to. I can't stay here. If I stay here, I'll only remember the pain. Elizabeth and I had some great times together, Carly. I know you never liked her. But I loved her, and I need to remember her without the pain. I wouldn't change anything that ever happened, because the joy we had was well worth any hurt. I need to find that joy again. It's been missing for too long."
Carly sobbed, and pulled Jason close. He let go of her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her. Courtney leaned against the table, hearing Jason's words and feeling her heart break. It was like he didn't even know, or care that she was in the room. He loved Elizabeth, and she'd allowed herself to think he'd moved on. She should have known better.
"I'm so sorry, Jase. I'm so sorry."
"Thank you," he whispered hoarsely. Courtney wanted to walk away, but her feet felt rooted to the ground, and the conversation continued on around her.
"Will you call?"
Jason looked away and shrugged. "Maybe. But not right away. I just...just have to get away."
"Well, you know I'm completely selfish," Carly said with a forced laugh. "So of course I hope you call some day. We'll all miss you. But I hope you- I won't say find happiness, because you don't want to hear that. So, I just hope you find peace. I love you."
"I know. I love you, too. Thank you, Carly."
She nodded, as tears again overtook her. She hugged Jason tightly, and then all but ran up the stairs, never looking at Courtney as she passed the younger woman. Courtney still stood where she had since he first walked in, and watched Jason as he took several deep breaths and wiped at his eyes. She didn't want to make the comparison, but he looked like A.J. did after she found out he had been behind the stalking. He had the same broken and defeated posture, the same raw emotions bubbling just under the surface.
She couldn't remember ever seeing Jason show this much emotion, this much pain. Except for when he'd seen Elizabeth at Vista Point the day Courtney had drug him out of the apartment to walk Rosie. Hadn't she encouraged him to go after Elizabeth then? Then why had she ever convinced herself that she had a shot? Why hadn't she seen he wasn't fully invested in the two of them, that he didn't look at her with the same intensity she had teased Elizabeth about? Her tears started fresh again as she realized she'd been a fool and everything had been made up, that she was believing in something that wasn't there. And why? Because she didn't want to think about A.J. and what they'd lost?
She was pulled from her thoughts as he took a step towards her, meeting her gaze. A part of her wanted to scream, rant, yell, make it anything but easy for him to say good-bye. But how could she when she could see so clearly that he was in pain? He looked like his world had shattered. And she knew that she would never be able to compete with a ghost.
"Hey," she said softly, as she took a step towards him.
"Look," he began, and then stopped and looked down. "I'm sorry. I, I don't want to hurt you, but this...it was all wrong. And I'm sorry, but I can't..."
"I understand, Jason," she said as he faltered with the words. He looked at her in surprise. "I saw how you looked at Elizabeth, and I was there encouraging you to go after her, and then throwing myself at you the next minute."
"I-"
"It's alright. I'll survive this. I just hope you survive. If you ever-"
"Courtney," he cut in. "Thank you for understanding, or at least trying to. But I won't be back."
She nodded, knowing that he may someday contact Carly or Sonny, but this would be the last time they would speak. She knew there was no hope he would ever come back to her. He may one day come to accept Elizabeth's death, but he would never let her into his life again. She reached out her hand, but dropped it when she saw him flinch and move away. "Good-bye, Jason."
"Good-bye, Courtney."
And then he was gone, the door clicking softly into place behind him. She stood there for several minutes, and then finally walked over to the couch and sank down into the cushions. She didn't even bother to open her eyes when she heard Carly come down the stairs. She figured her sister-in-law had stood at the top and listened into the whole thing. She'd listened to Carly's good-bye, she couldn't really be mad that Carly had listened to hers.
"You handled that better than I thought."
The clink of the crystal told Courtney that Carly was at the bar, pouring herself a drink. "I changed my mind when I saw you change. What made you? Was it what he said about Sonny?"
She sat up and opened her eyes when she felt Carly sit on the couch. Accepting the drink that she offered, Courtney waited for Carly to speak.
"I realized something," the other woman began slowly. "I finally saw how he really looked. Especially when he squeezed my shoulders. Jason never gets angry, and he doesn't like violence against women. And that wasn't violent, but he's never put his hands on me like that and let me see that side of his anger, especially directed at me."
She seemed to get lost for a moment, then shook her head and continued on. "I finally saw how he really looked. He looked like he did when he lost Michael and A.J. fought him over an unscheduled visit. Jason was in such pain then; it was ripping him apart inside. He loved Michael so much. He'd raised him for a year, and when Michael was taken away a piece of him died. As much as I never liked Elizabeth and did everything I could to get Jason away from her, she's made a piece of him die too. He looks like he did back then, so I know he truly loved her. I couldn't fight him. Not if I ever want him to someday come back."
Carly finished her drink and then stood. "I'm going to go find Sonny. If he sits in his office and broods the whole day, it's not going to be pretty, or easy to get him to come back from this."
Then she walked towards the door, grabbed her coat and stepped outside. Courtney sat there, with her unfinished glass, and a whole new view on love and loss. And most annoying of all, new thoughts about A.J.
Jason closed the penthouse door behind him, and looked over by the corner near the elevator. His bag and the carefully wrapped package of 'The Wind' sat there, waiting for him to pick them up. He didn't care if he had to buy and extra seat for the rest of his life; he was always taking the painting with him. He looked up finally at the man standing next to him. Johnny had always been a good employee, and he'd always treated Jason with respect.
He could remember the day that he'd decided to leave the organization and turn it over to Moreno. Johnny had never fought him, or thought ill of him. He'd stayed on to help make sure the transition went smooth, and then he stayed close to Jason. Johnny had been a friend, and more. Jason was going to miss the times they'd spent together, especially when they'd transcended their work roles and had acted like friends.
"I'm going to miss you," Johnny said, echoing Jason's thoughts. "I always enjoyed working for you."
Jason grasped Johnny's extended hand and blinked hard to keep the tears back. "Thank you. You were always more than an employee. I'll miss you, too."
"I'm sorry about Miss Webber," Johnny added, even as his voice cracked. "She was a special woman. I always liked her. She made me brownies once, and she'd always bring us coffee at Kelly's. I always enjoyed it when I guarded her. And Francis and Max said the same things. Francis...Francis guarded her when you left after you were shot."
"I know," Jason choked out. "Thank you."
He couldn't speak, and so he just nodded at Johnny and hoped his friend would understand. Johnny's free hand patted Jason on the shoulder and he said, "Take care, Jason. If you ever need anything, anything, just call. I'll be on the first plane."
Jason dipped his head briefly and then released Johnny's hand. He quickly walked over and grabbed his bag and the painting and then stepped around the corner. He wasn't entirely surprised to see Brenda leaning against the wall. They'd said good-bye before he went to Sonny's, but he was somehow grateful she was there. It had been helpful to talk to her during this. He was oddly grateful for her stubbornness.
"Take care, Jase," she said, trying to smile.
"You too," he told her, after finally getting his voice under control. He punched the elevator button and waited.
"Have a good life."
Jason looked over at her, wanting to ask how he was supposed to do that, but just nodded and replied. "Yeah, you too."
Then the elevator doors opened and he stepped inside. He looked around the area between the two penthouses, watching as it slowly disappeared behind the closing doors, knowing it would be the last time he was ever there. He wouldn't be coming back to Port Charles.
Part V
When the elevator stopped at the lobby, Jason slowly exited. It was weird to not take the elevator all the way down to the parking garage, but his bike was already gone. He'd taken it to the airport yesterday when he was out taking care of his errands. He wasn't leaving anything behind this time. It was all going with him.
He'd dropped his bike off after he'd gone to say good-bye to Lila. He knew he couldn't leave town and not tell her. He'd done that so many different times, but this time felt different. This time was permanent. He couldn't just leave when this would very likely be the last time he would ever see her alive again. Lila had always held a special place in his heart since the accident; he loved her and respected her.
It had been a hard visit; he hadn't snuck in the terrace doors, but instead went right up to the front door. He didn't care if he had to go through Edward, A.J., Ned or anyone else, he was going to talk to his grandmother. Luck, however, had been on his side. A.J. was no where around, Ned was off busy with Alexis, and Edward was in parts unknown. Lila had been surprised to see him, but simply pleased that he'd come to visit her.
He'd told her about Elizabeth, about the accident and her death. Lila held his hand as he said that he loved her, that he'd missed his chance with her because he'd been too afraid, too frightened to truly let her into his life. He'd screwed up, hurt her, and that this was one of the few times he was having regrets in his life. Lila reached out her frail, shaking hand and cupped his cheek as she told him she was sorry and asked if there was anything he could to.
Slowly, Jason shook his head and told her he had come to say good-bye. He couldn't stay here anymore. He needed to get away, make a clean start of his life, if that was even possible. Monica had shown up shortly after that, and the three of them sat together quietly. He knew Monica wasn't his real mother, and that he couldn't remember her from his life as Jason Quartermaine, and there were times as Jason Morgan he didn't always get along with her, but he had come to love her. And he told her so, and that he was glad he was able to see her before he left.
Just before he left the mansion, the three of them called Emily to let her know. Emily had taken the news really hard, and Jason knew how she felt. Elizabeth had been her friend, and they'd had their rough patches, but to hear about such a senseless death over the phone - Jason's heart hurt for her. He almost changed his plans to go to Arizona and see her, but Monica said she would take some time off and go out there instead. He was grateful for that, because he knew Emily would try to be strong, but that she really needed someone.
When he'd left, Monica and Lila were still on the phone with Emily. He had to get out of there, though. He wouldn't have been able to hold it together much longer, if he'd stayed. The urge to smash something was growing, and instead he climbed on his bike and rode for hours, until finally he arrived at the airport and checked the bike in for transport. Then he caught a cab to take him home, but instead he'd ended up at Kelly's.
One last trip down memory lane. He sat at a table near the jukebox and remembered the time that he danced with Elizabeth. That night in December before he was shot, when she tried to remember Lucky, when he knew he was beginning to care about her. He wasn't a man to dance, but what he wouldn't give for one more dance with Elizabeth.
Lucky and Nikolas had walked in as he was leaving. The three men regarded each other, and then slowly made their way past. Lucky and Nikolas had regained their friendship with Elizabeth, and they looked like they were taking her death nearly as hard as he was. He was almost to the edge of the courtyard when Lucky came bounding out of the restaurant calling after him. He extended his hand, and Jason tentatively took it. Jason didn't know what it was about his demeanor that had told the younger man he was leaving, but Lucky told him that he hoped he found whatever he was looking for when he left. Jason merely nodded and then walked slowly home to the penthouse.
The cab stopping pulled him out of his thoughts, and he slowly shook his head as he looked up at the bank. He had just one last stop to make before he went to the airport. He was transferring his funds, and he was going to make it impossible for Sonny or anyone that worked for him to trace the money trail. He'd already set up the new account the day before, he just had to close the old one and then he'd be gone. He'd set up several more along the way and transfer the money out, leaving no ties to Port Charles.
Once he was done, he climbed back in the cab and headed off to the airport. It was time for Jason Morgan to disappear. The first stop was Italy to see Elizabeth's grave. After that, he didn't know, but he hoped that some day, he'd be able to find her in the wind.
She sat in her room, curled up in a chair in front of the roaring fire. Switzerland was cold, colder than...she couldn't remember, but all she knew was she was cold and was grateful for the warm blanket that she had draped over her legs and the thick cashmere sweater she was wearing. On the table beside her sat a cup of hot chocolate. It had taken some doing, not to mention some bribery, to get the kitchen staff to make it the way she wanted it; extra cocoa powder, chocolate syrup added in, whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles on top. Despite the warning from the cook that she would probably get sugar shock, the woman had agreed to make it and bring it to her.
She was glad for the woman, who with her soft eyes and silver hair reminded her of someone, who she couldn't quite place. And most of all, she was glad the woman had brought it when her brother and sister weren't around. She feared they would flip out like they had when she announced she didn't like coffee. It wasn't so much the announcement, she supposed lots of people didn't like coffee, but it had been the slight chuckle when she then said she had a friend who drank coffee, black, anytime. Even in the middle of the summer.
Her brother had tensed, until he realized she couldn't actually remember her friend. In fact, she couldn't remember anything. She could only remember the last few days since she'd woken up, stiff and sore, and obviously bandaged. They'd told her she'd been in an automobile accident when she'd been on holiday in Italy.
On holiday. Apparently she was wealthy. Who else but the idle rich still said they were going on holiday? And how did she know that? She shook her head, not at times understanding the things that popped into her head when she least expected them to. But it would at least explain why she was in a villa in Switzerland that her brother and sister had rented for the duration of her recovery. They had chose Switzerland because there was a very prestigious clinic here, even if the head doctor seemed to make her nervous with his neatly trimmed goatee and his eyes that never quite met hers.
She had obviously been traveling before Christmas. Every square inch of the villa was lavishly, she might almost say gaudily, decorated in reds, greens, golds and whites. Candles and boughs of pine adorned side tables and mantles. Wreaths of holly and berries hung on the walls and doors. Bells and ribbons were festooned on the interior doorways. And there wasn't just one Christmas tree, there were several. The main foyer had a grand one that rose to the second story where a star was perched high atop. Every room held a smaller, equally decorated version. Her bedroom even had one, until she said that the smell was affecting her sleep and giving her a slight headache.
They had looked disappointed as they'd ordered its removal, so she acquiesced and allowed them to put it in the alcove in the hallway across from her room. She had the entire wing of the villa to herself, and the alcove was oddly spooking her, so she was grateful for something to shove in it. It was hard to take their disappointed looks, and that was why she hadn't said anything about the memories that were coming to her.
She didn't remember being in Italy like they'd told her. For some reason, she remembered Paris and southern France. She also didn't tell them that she preferred her Christmas trees decorated with paper chains and paper angels. There wasn't an angel in sight, but she felt afraid to ask them for one. Instead, she'd asked the cook for a small one to put in her room. She also couldn't seem to bring herself to tell them that if she couldn't have her tree with a paper chain, she would prefer it just be in the forest with snow on it. How could she tell them those things when they'd gone to such trouble for her?
They weren't pushing her to remember them, they weren't disappointed or hurt when she had woken up and asked who they were. They were her family and they were showing her such love and support. Antoinette and James were so amazing, and she felt such warmth when she was around them. She had responded instantly, almost like a starving person, to their shows of love. They said it was because they had always been close as children growing up. She guessed her memories of fights, and feeling isolated weren't accurate. She really had no other choice but to believe that they loved her because she was their baby sister.
Imogene Morgan Chandler.
That made her cringe. Imogene? What had her parents been thinking when they'd named her? Apparently though, Imogene and Antoinette were family names. Somehow though, she couldn't help but think James got the better end of the name deal.
She liked the name Morgan, though. It was powerful, strong and always brought to mind the most gorgeous, crystal blue eyes. She didn't mention that to James or Antoinette or that when she got better and could resume her travels she was going to go by Morgan. It seemed best to keep that to herself. Besides, Morgan just seemed to suit her better than Imogene. She couldn't imagine introducing herself to others as Imogene, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face when she said the name Morgan out loud.
In the meantime, she would rest and recover. Her ribs were sore, her head continually pounded, despite the numerous pills the doctor had prescribed to her, and the splint on her ankle made traversing out doors difficult. She just needed to take it easy, get her strength back, and then she could escape from this house that was becoming more stifling every day. So she planned on spending as much time as she possibly could in her room, claiming she was resting. Antoinette and James had given her some art supplies and art books for Christmas the day before, and she was greatly enjoying them.
The high quality supplies were better than the paper and pen she's scrounged up from James's desk the other day. James had seemed very nervous when he saw her come out of his study, until she told him that she'd just grabbed a pencil from his desk and some paper from the printer stand. He seemed to believe her that she hadn't looked into his desk, and she hadn't. But now her curiosity was piqued. Was there something there that he didn't want her to see? If so, what was it? It was driving her mad, but anytime she started in that direction, James always appeared, or Antoinette, or the butler who seemed to have more loyalty to them than to her.
She was determined to check it out. In the meantime though, she would put her art supplies to good use, she'd already requested some pastels to go along with her charcoal, and James said the house staff would pick them up on their weekly trip into town. When she got tired of sketching, she loved looking through the art books. There were books on techniques, art history, and several art museums in Europe. But what inspired her most were just the rooms around her, and looking out her window. She just wished she could go out doors.
It wasn't that she felt claustrophobic, she felt trapped. Anytime she looked out the terrace doors in the dining room; someone was right there telling her that it wasn't a good idea to go outside, that she needed to stay inside where it was safe. She was beginning to resent being told what to do, and she was really beginning to hate the word safe. She didn't know why it made her bristle like she did, but she bit down on the words that threatened to escape and smiled a smile that she really didn't feel and told them that she appreciated their concern. Of course she wasn't going to go outside until her ankle was fully healed.
But when she did think about going outside, she thought about getting away from the villa, getting away from Switzerland. She thought about the Mediterranean, wondering what it would be like to see it from the deck of a yacht. That thought was usually accompanied by visions of those same blue eyes, and hands hovering above her shoulders radiating warmth into her soul. The same held true for Italy. Except that thoughts of art and Venice were coupled with a brilliant blood red, and vivid red frightened her right now. Maybe it was because her accident had occurred in Italy.
Whatever the reasons, she didn't think she was up for the Mediterranean or Italy right now. Egypt held a strange yearn for her, and oddly, so did Ethiopia. Maybe it was because she was just tired of the cold seeping into her bones. Ever since she woke up, she just couldn't seem to get warm enough.
"Imogene?"
She was pulled out of her thoughts by her sister's knock on the door. "Yes?"
"Dinner is almost ready. Will you be joining James and I, or are you still tired? Should I have the doctor come?"
She did not want the doctor here. And if she didn't say she'd be coming out soon, her sister would come in and fuss over her. Right now, she didn't want her sister to come into her room. "No, the doctor isn't necessary. I feel better this evening. I'll be down in just a few minutes."
"Alright," Antoinette answered.
She pulled the travel book she had hastily hidden under her blanket back out, and then slowly stood from the chair. It was time to get up anyway; her ribs were beginning to ache from being curled up. The travel book had been another thing she'd managed to bribe the cook into getting for her, yet another thing her sister and brother didn't know about. When she'd asked James about different countries, he seemed anxious and nervous, questioning why she wanted to leave.
The book on France went into her nightstand drawer, underneath several sketchpads, which she arranged just so. She would return it to the cook the next day and ask for one on Egypt. But maybe she wouldn't go to Egypt. Uzbekistan suddenly came to her mind. Laughing at the thought she opened her door and stepped out into the richly furnished hallway. As she walked along the ornate rug that had been placed on the polished marble so she wouldn't slip she shook her head and sighed.
"Who goes to Uzbekistan anyway? It rains when you forget your umbrella."
When I started this story, I originally planned to kill Elizabeth. No miraculous ending, or whatnot. The emotion behind this song is a man looking back and deciding that whatever bad has come his way he wouldn't change his life because of all the good he got to experience. I wanted to put Jason through that, and at that moment the only thing I could think to get Jason to that shattering realization that his life was truly nothing without Elizabeth was to fully rip her away.
Then the idea came that maybe she wasn't dead, but was just hiding. And I quickly nixed that idea because I thought no matter how hurt Elizabeth is; she would never purposefully put Jason through that pain. She made sure others knew she was alive when she faked her death, and after Sonny's whole fake death, she just wouldn't do that to Jason. And then the sick and twisted idea came for someone else to do it to her and Jason. Payback and retribution for destroying their lives as they saw it, and what better way than to take away his true love.
I know this story screams for a sequel (at least it does in my mind, maybe it doesn't to you). There are several ideas floating around, they just haven't gelled together, and I haven't found the right song to evoke the full emotion. But I'm looking. Please be patient.
I hope you've enjoyed the story.
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