Elizabeth deals with the pain of living alone in St. Louis, and an unexpected visitor.
Life really is ironic. I feel like I either owe Alanis Morrisette royalty fees for how often I think that, or I'm going to go find her and beat her to death for putting the stupid thought in my head. My life sucks, and because it is completely my fault I hide how I really feel.
My job is good; the people I work with are nice. I really don't miss my co-workers from Port Charles, because they weren't my close friends. I spent my time with Brenda and Sonny...and especially with Jason. It wasn't like I was going out for drinks with the people from work. I haven't really gotten to know my new colleagues yet, and even if I did I doubt I'd do much with them. By the time the day is over I'm so tired of smiling, being cheerful and acting like I don't have a care in the world that I just want to go home.
My home is my sanctuary. I don't have to act like I'm loving St. Louis, expect when I talk to Brenda. When I talk to her, I tell her how wonderful my new job is. How I've found time to paint again - I don't tell her that the paintings are so awful that I throw them away, or how they're so full of memories of Jason that I sit down on the floor and cry. Admitting those things to Brenda would be admitting my error in leaving.
Tonight, I am just so happy I am home. It was my day off from work and after going grocery shopping and taking care of a few other things I thought I'd just relax at home. But the walls closed in, my talent-less paintings mocked me and I thought I'd go for a walk. I should have just stayed home instead.
After Lucky died, I went through a phase where I kept expecting him to show up at any moment. The grief counselor said it was a perfectly normal feeling. I kept looking for him to share exciting days with, or my sorrows, or simply have a companion to go to the street fair with.
Today that sensation hit me hard again. I passed by a small bar on my walk and my first thought was do they have a pool table? I wondered how it would compare to Jake's, then I began to drown in thoughts of Jason. Every motorcycle I heard, I'd turn to see if it was him. No matter where I went, I couldn't escape Jason or my thoughts. I knew if I went home then it wouldn't get any better. So my only hope was to keep walking so that maybe, if I was lucky, I'd be able to fall into a dreamless sleep tonight.
Right now, as I sit on the couch, my dinner on my lap, I hope if I watch mindless TV I can keep the numb feeling my brain finally settled into. I really don't want to have dreams of Jason tonight.
The phone rings, pulling me back to the moment, and I know without even checking the caller ID that it will be Brenda. "Hey, Bren."
"How'd you know it was me?"
"Caller ID," I say unenthusiastically.
"I could have been Sonny," she protested.
I don't understand why she's getting so indignant about this. "Bren, what's wrong? So I said your name. Why are you getting all upset?"
"I don't know," she says, and I can practically see the confusion on her face before it melts into a smile. "You know, Caller ID has ruined calling people. There's no mystery when you answer the phone."
I can't help but laugh at her little tirade, and for the briefest moment my chest loosens ever-so-slightly, and I can breathe just a little easier. "Yeah," I chuckle, "but at least we don't have to deal with annoying telemarketers."
"I already don't have to deal with those," she laughs. "Perks of a completely private number. "So," her voice shifts and I know here comes the question. "How are you doing?"
"I'm tired," I answer, trying to dodge the question.
"Elizabeth," her tone is soft and concerned and it pierces me. "Sweetie, look, all past stuff aside. How are you really?"
"Miserable." My voice cracks and my eyes flood with tears.
"Aww, sweetie, I'm so sorry. You seemed so sure."
"Surety doesn't lessen heartbreak." Unfortunately. "I know it's what I had to do, but I didn't think it would be this hard."
"It hasn't been easy on him either," she says and I suck in a breath.
"Brenda-"
"No," she says. "There's something you should know. He didn't get back together with Carly, and he's been absolutely miserable. Sonny was afraid he was going to drink himself to death."
"Breanda, please," I beg.
"Beth, you made a choice. All I'm saying is maybe you read the situation wrong and it wasn't the right decision."
Tears are sliding down my face and my heart is bleeding inside my chest. "I know you mean well, Brenda, but I...I just can't do this tonight. I-I have to go."
I hang up before she can say anything and I slump down into the couch, sobs beginning to overcome me. Just because he didn't get back together with Carly and he's miserable doesn't change anything. He still is affected by her whether he wants to admit it or not and I refuse to be in a relationship where there are three players. It's hard enough with two, I don't need to constantly have to deal with the ex who refuses to go away.
Now I'm tired, depressed and I wonder if I don't somehow deserve this. I walked away from Jason without giving him a chance to say anything and my misery seems fitting. I don't know what Brenda hoped to accomplish by calling me, am I supposed to run back to him just because he's not with Carly? For Brenda it probably is that simple, but I live in reality and I know it's not.
Annoyed, I look over at the door when somebody knocks. Nobody stops by to see me, and I'm tempted to just ignore it. I don't want to deal with whatever address challenged fool is on the other side. But after several minutes I realize this person isn't going away. How brain-damaged can someone be? If no one answers they're either not at home or ignoring the door. Buy a clue. This jerk is definitely getting a piece of my mind.
I storm across the room and yank the door open. "What do you want?!"
"Elizabeth?"
Not tonight. Oh please, not tonight. Jason cannot possibly be here in St. Louis. The universe could not possibly hate me this much.
"Elizabeth?" he repeats, his voice full of hesitation.
"J-Jason. What...what are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?" he asks and I sigh as I step aside.
"Why are you here?" I question again. I know there's no way I can get rid of him, and so I just want to get this conversation started so it can be over quicker. The best way to rip off a band-aid is all at once, not little by little.
"I came to talk to you," he says, then pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket. "About this. I don't want Carly."
"I don't believe you."
"I have never lied to you," he says forcefully. "Why would I now? You thought you were giving me everything I wanted, but you were wrong. I'm here with you."
"But you love Michael," I say.
"I do," he agrees. "I will always care about him, but I'm not his father. And if I suddenly come into his life again it will only confuse him. I won't do that to him, and I won't subject myself to Carly again."
Carly. I hate that name, I really do. I turn and walk across the room, pushing my hair off my face. He's here in my apartment, he's seemingly saying all the right things, but I can't forget that night he said her name. Blowing out a harsh breath I face him. "It's not that simple, Jason. You tell me you don't want Carly-"
"I don't," he cuts in. "What we had was in the past and I could never be involved with her again."
"Well I don't think you're fully convinced of that because you said her name one night while we were in bed together."
That makes him pause and he looks at me in surprise. "I-I did?"
"Yes," I nod sadly. "I know you can't dream because of the accident, and you weren't asleep when you said it. It would almost be easier if you had been asleep because people can't control their dreams. But you were awake, Jason, and I finally realized what was going on."
"What do you mean?" He takes a step forward but stops when I begin to retreat.
Leaning against the wall because I'm not sure how much longer my legs can hold me up I say, "Our first time was the night you saw Carly at Jake's. I didn't realize it at first, but I was just a substitute. I mean, how stupid could I be? After all, you said more than once that it was all about sex with you and Carly. It was this great physical attraction, and there she was that night, short skirt, big boobs, right in your face."
"Elizabeth, stop," Jason says as he takes another step forward.
I shake my head. He made me feel like second best and I'm not pulling any punches. "So you take me home and we test your mattress springs. Silly me, I thought it was something more. Turns out I was just convenient."
"No!" His voice booms through the room and I snap my attention to him. He looks angry as he crosses the room and stand right in front of me. "Don't you dare cheapen yourself that way. Don't you dare."
"Don't you dare tell me how to feel," I shout back.
He takes a deep breath. "I-I'm not. But...please let me explain. You were not a substitute, and I'm sorry that I handled things badly and ever made you feel that way. I...that night we saw Carly...I wasn't prepared for it. I thought I was past her, but I felt so much anger still towards her.
"I realized that what Carly and I had wasn't what you could build a relationship on. We were friends once, but she's not someone I could have a long-lasting relationship with. She acts on impulse and does crazy things and I would be left to pick up the pieces. That isn't what I want to spend the rest of my life doing."
Reaching out slowly he takes my hand lightly in his. "I wasn't supposed to live after my accident, and the doctors never thought I'd have any kind of normal life. They were wrong, but I never looked ahead. I lived day to day, and after I started working for Sonny I just continued on that way. Then you came into my life, and you changed it."
I close my eyes tightly, trying to stem the tears that have begun, but they keep coming. My heart feels like it's splitting in two. Is he only saying this because I forced his hand? While he seems so sincere in what he's saying, I'm scared to trust him again. It seems like every time I take a chance with Jason my heart is wounded in the process.
Gently he brushes the tears off my cheeks and I stiffen slightly. "Do you know what I think of now?" he asks quietly.
I shake my head, afraid to ask.
"I think of the future," he says, so tenderly, so earnestly it steals my breath. "I think of a family, of having someone beside me. And the person I want that with is you. Not Carly. You."
A sob escapes my tightly pressed lips and I want to scream. It feels so unfair that he came here and forced his way through the hurt I had thrown up around. He's being honest, and he's trying to make up for what happened, but I can't just forget all the pain. Despite how much I want to.
"Elizabeth?"
More tears stream down my face and I can't seem to find the strength, or the words, to answer him.
"Elizabeth? Please, say something."
"I can't." A whimper slips through my lips and I shake my head. "I can't do this. Please, Jason, please..."
"Please what?" he asks, his voice sounding broken.
"I...I need time," I say, finally opening my eyes. "You said all the right things...but I don't know if it's too late. Please, I just need some time, and space, to think things through. I...I need you to leave, Jason. Please, I need you to go."
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