After Elizabeth has the baby...she and Jason try to become a family.

I hear the soft click of the door as it settles back into place drowning out the rush of voices and intercom static that the opening let in, and I crack an eye to see who has slipped into my room. It doesn't surprise me when I see it's Brenda. I shift, trying to sit up and wince as my muscles twinge sharply in protest.

"No, no," she waves her hand, "just rest. I didn't mean to wake you. I saw Jason leave and I thought I could see you before you fell asleep."

"Have you seen her?" I ask, knowing what Brenda really wants to talk about, now that I'm awake. She won't leave or really be quiet until we do, and it really doesn't bother me.

"She's gorgeous," she gushes with a smile. "She's got Jason's chin, but she definitely has your curly hair. You did good, Beth, you did really good."

Full of motherly pride, and residual drugs, I grin goofily with her. "She is wonderful."

"Did Jason drive you crazy?"

I shake my head, trying not to laugh. Brenda warned me about how Sonny hovered and fussed so much during her labor with Kim and then afterwards that she finally had to order Jason to come take him away. She figured it was a universal male thing, not just her husband, but she was wrong. Jason was wonderful, and I would have loved for him to stay, but he was about to pass out from exhaustion. "I sent him home to get a shower and some sleep. He looked ready to fall over. And he needed to call Matt."

Brenda just nods, but doesn't say anything. It's still a little strange for all us, and Brenda doesn't quite know what to say in reference to Jason's sponsor. During my grueling thirty six hours of labor Jason stayed by my side the entire time, getting ice chips, rubbing my back through contractions, and then holding my hand when they finally put the epidural in, even though he took one look at the needle and nearly passed out. Especially when they said where they were going to put it. He missed last night's AA meeting, and he wanted to check in with his sponsor, grab a couple hours of sleep and maybe even a meeting, before coming back to the hospital.

A large yawn overtakes me and I cover my mouth sheepishly, but Brenda smiles in understanding and leans forward, resting her hand on mine. Despite my sometimes inability to sleep well anywhere else but my own bed, I'm ready for another nap. "Get some rest, sweetie. I just wanted to stop in real quick. I know you need to sleep while you can before the nurses come in telling you she's hungry."

She starts for the door and pauses. "Sonny's been a cooking fool again today," she warns, "so I would expect a freezer full of casseroles when you get home. Since he didn't want to pace the hallways here, he baked."

"More casseroles?" I chuckle.

She just shrugs as if to say You know Sonny. Apparently Sonny was afraid I'd starve being alone with a baby after I got out of the hospital so about a month before my due date he began making casseroles and meals I could easily heat up. It didn't stop after Jason got home, and I was quickly running out of freezer space, so Jason went out bought a freezer to put them into. I already have enough to probably last me a month, and I can't imagine how much more I'll have from Sonny after today.

"Tell him thank you," I say, stretching out on the bed, not having any other words to say for my friends right now as my body craves rest.

"I will," she tells me, then switches off the light. "Get some sleep."




When Jason comes back later that evening, I'm sitting up on the bed holding our daughter who's content after being fed earlier. I look up, smiling when he opens the door and pokes his head inside. "I wasn't sure if you'd be awake," he says.

"We are," I tell him, shifting Amanda in my arms. "They brought her in a little while ago. She was hungry."

He comes into the room, sitting down in the chair by the bed and looks over with love at our daughter. My eyes well up with tears as his do as well, my heart stirring in echo the emotions that cross his face. It's awe inspiring to have this tiny little baby to take care of, but at the same time, I am completely overwhelmed by how much I love her.

When I found out I was pregnant, aside from being terrified about how Jason would react and what we would face with his drinking, I began to fall in love with the little life I was carrying. As I heard her heartbeat at my appointments, and saw her tiny outline in sonograms, that love would grow and I hadn't even held her yet. When Jason carried her over after the nurses had weighed, measured and cleaned her, and placed her in my arms, I loved her even more.

Yet I'm also terrified. I've babysat Kim, but I never was around her much when she was a baby. I'm the youngest in my family and was one of the younger kids in the neighborhood so I never babysat very much. What do I know about taking care of a brand new baby? Sure, there are parenting classes we have to take before we can go home, but how much are they going to be able to tell me in an hour about how to take care of my little girl? Looking down at Amanda I am suddenly filled with a wave of terror. What am I doing? How am I going to know what to do? They say maternal instincts will kick in, but at the moment I'm feeling none of those and a whole lot of fear.

I startle when I feel Jason's hand touching my elbow and I look up, seeing concern etched on his face. "Are you okay? Your breathing is sounding erratic. Are you...are you in pain? Do you need a doctor?"

I shake my head and his form swims before as tears fill my eyes. "I'm scared," I whisper, not wanting to admit how scared I am in front of Amanda.

"Scared of what?" he asks.

"Taking care of Amanda. We get released tomorrow. I've never given a baby a bath, I don't know what I'm going to do being alone with her at the house."

He swallows, looks to the side as if searching for the right words, and then finally says, "You know I'm there to help you, Elizabeth. When...when Carly and I brought Michael home from the hospital I felt the same way. I didn't know if I was holding him right, and sometimes when he cried I didn't know what to do, but gradually I learned what he needed. And you'll learn what Amanda needs too.

"I'd...I'd like to help," he says, clearing his throat. "I don't want to push you, Elizabeth, but I want to be with Amanda as much as I can. I want to hold her and help her...and I want to be there for you, too. I...I want us to be a family, Elizabeth."

A family. A mom and a dad and a baby. I want that too, even though I know Jason and I aren't completely better yet. We both made mistakes, ran and hurt the other, yet I believe we can get past this latest pain, because we both want to. Because we still love each other, even if we have things to work through yet. I can't pinpoint the day I fell in love with Jason, it was gradual and slow and one day I realized that all the emotions I had tumbling around inside me were love. Those feelings are still there, and I couldn't even imagine not having Jason be a part of Amanda's life or mine.

"You deserve to be a part of her life, Jason, I could never keep you from her," I say. "Do...what do you think about you staying for a couple of days and giving me some pointers, helping me get settled in?"

His smile is immediate, "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."




Three weeks later, Jason is still just staying a couple of days to give me some pointers. I think we both know it's more than that, we just haven't said anything. He's been wonderful to have here. His calmness, the gentle manner he has with Amanda has helped me adopt the same ways, and I find myself growing more confident with her. I'm giving her sponge baths like a pro and now that her belly button has healed I'm ready to start giving her baths in the little tub I got at the baby shower Brenda held for me.

Jason, I know, has enjoyed being able to spend so much time with Amanda. He's been able to do most of his work from the house, only having to leave occasionally to go down to the warehouse to take care of things. He's been there every night when she goes to bed, and he's seen her every morning when she wakes up. When I'm too exhausted to go on, he'll take her for a couple of hours and let me have uninterrupted sleep. It certainly doesn't hurt her to have a bottle instead of being nursed, and when I wake up after three or four solid hours of sleep I feel so much better.

Amanda certainly has been benefited from having all this time with Jason, she responds to him in completely different ways than she does to me, and watching Jason I know this is what he was made for. His job and the things associated with it don't define him, being a father is his soul. Every time I watch him hold her, read to her, or just quietly sit with her gazing out a window, my heart swells with love for him. I know I couldn't have asked for a better father to my child, or for the children I want in the future.

I wouldn't trade the things that have happened between us in the past, because every bad day we had has led us to this point. Because we overcame them, we're stronger now. At first I was frightened by the swirl of emotions that came with loving Jason. They seemed like a contradiction that at times I wondered if it was real. Was love really like a thundering train one minute, and then a lazy Sunday afternoon the next? Sometimes the fear would overwhelm me and I'd cry from the sheer intensity of it all, and then other times I was filled with such confidence that I felt nothing was out of my grasp. Anything was possible, simply because I was in love.

My love for Amanda is that way. Some days I'm certain I'll screw everything up, scar her for life by not knowing what to do, and other days I feel like the most amazing person in the world because I can recognize immediately what she needs based on just the slightest cry or whimper. I understand that mistakes don't mean I'm a horrible mother; it's the triumphs and the quiet moments that truly mean the most. Also overhearing Jason one night through the monitor talking to her and telling her that he would try very hard to do everything he could for her, but to bear with him if he didn't figure everything out right away helped. Knowing that he had doubts, that just because he'd helped raise Michael didn't erase them all, helped. Together, somehow, we'd get through this all.

As I sit downstairs, knowing Jason and Amanda are upstairs going through their morning routine of bath, diaper and dressing, I wonder how long this arrangement can go on. Jason sleeps in the guest room, running home every third or fourth day to grab more clothes or do his laundry. I've offered to throw his things in with mine, but he just shakes his head and says he doesn't want to burden me. He's the guest after all; I shouldn't be doing his laundry. Especially after just having had a baby.

I don't want him to feel like a guest in my home. We're a family, family shouldn't be guests.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by the sound of footsteps on the stairs and look up, smiling as Jason walks down with Amanda cradled against his chest. The smile slips into a frown when I notice his shirt is inside out and he's carrying his duffle bag that he drops at the foot of the stairs. Walking over, he sits down on the couch, adjusting Amanda so she can look out at the room and not just stare at his t-shirt. Her eyes are wide and alert and the soft scent of baby powder washes over me as I lean closer and run my fingers through her slightly damp curls.

Looking at Jason, I peer curiously at him. "Jason, are you aware your shirt's inside out?"

"Yeah," he says a bit sheepishly. "It was my cleanest one though; the stains didn't go all the way through."

"Jason, if you need to do some laundry-"

"Yeah, I think I better," he cuts in. "I should probably also head to the warehouse for a couple of hours, so I may be gone a bit longer since I've got to do laundry."

"Jason, I could do your laundry here," I offer.

He immediately shakes his head. "You don't need to do that. I don't want to impose."

"It's not imposing," I say, a bit of an edge to my voice. "Especially if I'm offering to do it. This is ridiculous you know?"

His eyes widen slightly as he shifts Amanda. "What's ridiculous?"

"This. Us. You running home every couple of days to do laundry and grab clothes. Especially when I've got a perfectly good washer and dryer right here, and I'm doing my own laundry and Amanda's."

"Look, if you're feeling like I'm in the way," he begins.

"You're not," I immediately squelch that idea. "I love that you're here for Amanda. I...I like that you're here for me. But it's silly that it's been three weeks and you're still running back to your penthouse to do your laundry, or because you realize you need something there.

"You said you wanted to be a family. I'd like our family to live together. Officially." He gazes at me, watching but not saying anything. "I'm...I'm asking you to move in, Jason. We lived together before because we hated having our stuff spread out over two apartments in St. Louis. Maybe we're not ready to share a bedroom again yet, but we are certainly able to share a house; we've been doing it for three weeks."

"You want me to move in?" he asks. "For Amanda?"

"For us," I clarify. "Yes, it's for Amanda, but it's for you and me as well. I love you, Jason. Maybe this started out as you helping out with Amanda, but I miss you when you head to the warehouse, and every time you go, or you leave to do laundry, I'm afraid you'll decide you'd rather just stay in your penthouse. That you'll decide you don't want to stay here anymore. I like having you here to talk to, to sit with as we read, or you read while I watch TV. I like those moments when Amanda's asleep and we can talk about more things than just being parents. I...I want to keep doing that."

"Me too," he says softly.

"So, what do you think? Do you want to move in with us?"

I hold my breath, hoping that this will work. Hoping that I haven't scared him or pushed him. Maybe the reason he kept the penthouse was because he liked knowing he had a place to escape, or return to.

"We'll have to find a place for the pool table," he says, and I slowly release the breath. "I don't want to give that up."

"Nobody's asking you to," I grin.

He sobers slightly, "Are you sure about this, Elizabeth?"

There is no hesitation on my part when I answer. "Absolutely. I want this, Jason."

"Then I'll pack up the rest of my stuff and I'll start bringing it over. I'll tell Sonny I'm going to sell the penthouse."

"Okay," I agree with a smile.

"Then I better go," he says. "Sooner I tell him, the sooner I can get back home."

My smiles grows even larger with that word. Home. This is our home, this is our family, and I never want to change it. He hands Amanda to me and then leans forward and presses a kiss across my forehead, before kissing our daughter's. "Hopefully I won't be gone long."

"We'll be here," I tell him. "Won't we Amanda?"

He stands and heads for the door, looking back over at us as he reaches for his duffle bag. "Hey, Jason," I call out. "Go throw your laundry in the laundry room. I've got to do some of my own later."

He laughs and nods as he grasps the zipper tab in his fingers, walking towards the laundry room. "Okay. I could use the bag anyways for the things I need to bring over."

After he's deposited his clothes and left to go take care of things, I shift Amanda so she's resting against my propped knees. "Hey there, Little One.

She stares back at me with wide, trusting eyes, and as much as I love having Jason here and truly did fear that he'd decide to move back to his penthouse, I love these moments where it's just the two of us. Times when I can be silly with her, or simply have silent tears of love as I hug her close to me. I press my finger into her palm and grin when she grasps it tightly. "Guess what? Daddy's moving in with us. We're making this permanent, Amanda. We...I think your daddy and I have finally gotten it right."

She coos softly back at me and I nod with a watery sigh. "I know. I'm pretty happy about it, too."

The End

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