A look inside Jason as he picks himself up after losing Michael, and the sympathetic friend he finds.
"Morning, Mister Morgan," the worker says with a slight hitch in his voice, as he walks out from between some stacks of coffee and nearly runs into me.
I nod briefly at him, but he quickly scurries away trying to look busy, as if half-expecting me to snap. Wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence according to Sonny, Max, Benny, Francis, and...Johnny.
"Jason."
"What?"
My brusque tone rolls right off his back and he looks at me, "Man, you look...what'd you do, fall asleep in those clothes? After bathing in the stock of Jake's?"
"Johnny, what do you want?" I growl. He's partially right. I got smashed at Jake's and I grabbed some clothes off the floor this morning. Sure I can't remember when I last shaved or even did laundry, but really, what does it matter? It hasn't in a long time.
"Sonny wants to see you upstairs," he informs me, then heads off.
Great. A daily meeting with Sonny was normal. We talk about the normal coffee business, and other business. I wasn't that late today, so why would Johnny be waiting to tell me Sonny was looking for me? Running a tired hand over my face and scratching at my beard - wow, when was the last time I shaved? - I head toward the stairs leading up to the offices.
"Morning, Jason."
"Morning, Anna," I respond, a bit sheepishly as she casts an appraising eye over my appearance. She's a good assistant, puts up with Sonny and keeps him in line while playing mother-hen or big sister to a lot of the men. She brings me food and forces me to eat it when she notices I haven't had lunch for a day or two and correctly guesses that most of my calories have been liquid instead of actual food.
"You can go on in," she tells me.
"Sonny?" I ask, knocking on the partially open door.
"Nice of you to show up," he says, dropping his pen on the desk.
"Don't even start with me," I growl, slamming the door behind me. "You aren't my mother, you aren't my boss, you're my partner, so pardon me if I tied a few on last night."
He sighs and I can see he's biting back his remarks. "Jason, we all understand that she hurt you, but you can't keep acting this way."
I stand up, shoving the chair aside. "Don't. Don't you dare. Don't pretend you know how I feel. You weren't in love with her; you didn't raise Michael thinking he was your child. For a year I had it...I had...and she ripped it all away from me."
"I know," Sonny responds, his voice thick, his expression full of sympathy. "No, I didn't love Carly, I never liked her. But I know how much it hurt you when you found out Michael was really your brother's."
"A.J. is not my brother!" I yell at him. My throat constricts and I blink, willing myself not to cry. I've done enough of that.
"Okay, okay," he says, walking around the desk. "Look, before you say no, just hear me out. Brenda's friend, an old college roommate, is in town and Brenda wants us to take her out to dinner."
I can see the set up coming and I shake my head. "I...I can't do a fix-up. I know Brenda means well-"
"No, no," Sonny shook his head. "Brenda knows you're not ready. She knows. She's just worried about you and doesn't want you to feel like we're interrogating you if we invite you over to dinner to make sure you're eating, and she wants to dance without feeling like she's abandoning her friend. Plus, it'll save me when they start talking about the good old times, hair, fashion...all that stuff."
I am not going to let myself get sucked into this. It isn't my problem that Brenda's friend needs a non-date. I like Brenda, she's my best friend next to Sonny, but I am not doing this. I wonder if Sonny will believe me if I say I'm thinking of cleaning my penthouse.
Looking back at Sonny, he's got a hopeful - yet resigned - look on his face and I feel like a heel. All he's done through this whole mess with Carly is support me without pushing, given me my space while letting me know he's there if I need him. He and Brenda have put up with me screaming at them, they've come down to Jake's when I've been too drunk to move, let alone drive, and they've done so much more. The thought of refusing this one request makes me realize how unfair I've been to both of them.
"What time?" I quietly ask.
"Brenda made reservations for eight," he says, trying hard not to smile. "Elizabeth is staying at the Port Charles Hotel; we can get you at seven thirty and go over together."
"Okay," I shrug, "I'll go check with the foreman on the shipment."
"The shipment's fine. Go get some sleep, man. You look like you could use it."
Which is Sonny's way of saying I look like crap and smell even worse. Instead of fighting it, I just turn and head home. Who am I to turn down getting more sleep?
I had intended on going straight to bed when I got home. All the way home the exhaustion was seeping into my bones, but when I got to the penthouse I just couldn't head upstairs.
After Carly took Michael and left I went on a rampage, destroying everything in sight. I couldn't look at the way she had decorated the place knowing she was with A.J. now raising the little boy I loved so much. I left town on business and when I got back the changes I'd asked Sonny to make were in place. The fancy dining room table we never ate at was replaced by a pool table. A lone leather couch in the living room replaced the conversational grouping of furniture. The colors were stark, the furnishings bare, but I didn't care. I had a place to sleep and a refrigerator for my beer; I didn't need much else. And since I didn't have much I certainly didn't need to keep the maid that Carly had hired.
Coming inside today, I finally understood why Brenda keeps asking if I want to have theirs come over. Beer bottles, Chinese food cartons and pizza boxes with molding food inside, and clothes were strewn all over both upstairs and down. I cleaned up the major mess and started some laundry, vowing to ask Brenda for the name of their cleaning service. Things had gotten bad, and maybe it was time to stop living like a complete slob.
Now, I stand in front of the mirror scraping off the nearly week's growth of beard. The blade bites into the soft flesh under my jaw and I wince, letting out a low curse. I already burned my finger pressing my shirt that was now laid carefully on the bed. Blue jeans aren't the accepted dress code for the PC Grille, and so I was forced to dig into the back of the closet for the suits and shirts Carly bought, claiming there were times I needed to look more presentable. She liked to spend my money; I had more than I needed, so I let her buy them, knowing that I would never wear the nine complete suits but not caring. Now, I was glad I'd held onto them, and I knew Brenda would be surprised.
Finished shaving, I head off to get dressed. As I stand in front of the closet my eyes are drawn to the ties on the fancy wooden tie rack. Carly always tried to get me to wear ties but I would have rather wrapped a snake around my neck to slowly squeeze me to death. I grab a handful of ties, not bothering with the ones that fall on the floor and walk over to the trashcan. I might not mind keeping the suits; no way am I keeping the ties. As I walk downstairs, I like the way the apartment looks now without the mess strewn everywhere.
A quick knock on the door is followed by Brenda popping her head in, "Hey, Jase, you ready?"
She pauses and looks at the apartment as Sonny walks in behind her. "This place looks good," she smiles. Then she turns her thousand-watt smile on me and comes closer. "You look nice, too."
"Thanks," I shrug, a bit embarrassed. I knew things had gotten pretty bad. It was just that having her compliment the fact that I cleaned up made me feel like I was five.
"Listen, Jase, if you don't want to do this you don't have to," she says, her smile now gone as she fiddles with the cuff of her shirt. "I know what Sonny told you, but forget it. If you just want to stay home..."
"Thanks, Brenda," I tell her, placing my hand on her arm. "I said I'd go, I'll go. But thanks for caring."
"Ready to go?" Sonny asks, smoothing his hand over his silk tie. He wraps his arm around Brenda's shoulder and presses a kiss to her temple.
"Yeah," I say, and follow them out. As I close the door, I'm hit by a sudden wave of doubt. Maybe this isn't a good idea. It's been six months since Carly left, it's the first time Brenda or Sonny has ever pushed - and it's not even that hard considering Brenda just gave me an out. I know it's not a real date, but it feels that way though. Carly loved going out, I hated it, and yet it feels wrong in some way that I'm going out without her.
"Jase?" Brenda asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I say as I clear my throat. Shaking my head to clear the nonsense thoughts away, I nod, "Let's go."
When we arrive at the hotel, Sonny and I wait in the lobby while Brenda runs upstairs to get her friend. Sonny says it's to save our eardrums and to let them have a few minutes alone. I just nod and stand there trying not to feel so out of place in the suit. When they step off the elevator, the first thought I have when I see Brenda's friend is the two women could be sisters. Petite, brunette, they look like they're in perfect synch with the other. Carly and Brenda fought all the time, over every little thing, and it's strange to see Brenda with a female friend laughing.
As she approaches, I tell myself to stop thinking of Carly. It won't do me any good, and it won't be fair to the woman I'll actually be with tonight. I smile broadly, knowing it's expected of me and I shake her hand when Brenda introduces us. We head for the restaurant and are immediately seated at a corner table. Without really thinking about, mostly because it's a habit I picked up over the years from watching Sonny, I pull out her chair while Sonny does the same for Brenda.
"Thank you, Jason," she says, with a warm smile.
"You're welcome," I murmur, glad that she didn't protest or seem uncomfortable with the act. The first time I did that for Carly she ranted for five minutes that she was perfectly capable of sitting without my help.
We order and eat dinner, talking casually throughout. At times it feels like I wasn't really needed tonight because the three of them carry most of the conversation. She's an artist, but seems embarrassed when Brenda starts going on about how great her paintings are. She actually works as a restorer for a museum in Colorado, and then, with a secretive smile, says she's moving to Port Charles.
"How could you keep that from me?" Brenda squeals in delight. "You little sneak."
She laughs; obviously pleased she surprised Brenda, then pauses, "I just felt it was time for a change. I wanted to be near my friend."
Brenda falls silent, a sadness entering her eyes that I realize has been hiding in her friend's all night. Puzzled, I look over at Sonny but he won't meet my gaze. I feel lost at the table until Brenda shifts in her chair and grins.
"Let's get dessert. They have got the best double chocolate mousse cake you have ever tasted."
"Brenda and Elizabeth are always looking for the best chocolate desserts in the world," Sonny leans over to whisper in a teasing manner to me. "It's like a holy quest for them."
The three start laughing and I look at Brenda, shaking my head briefly because I know how obsessive she can be about sweets. Dessert arrives quickly, but I pass, just having a cup of coffee. The band begins to warm up, then starts to play and I can see Brenda get a look of excitement and longing in her eye. She loves to dance and complains that Sonny never takes her often enough. It was actually the only thing Carly ever agreed with her on. I know that soon it will be just me and Elizabeth and I wonder what we'll talk about, or if I'll even remember her name which I've forgotten several times throughout the night and thankfully been saved by Sonny seeming to realize and dropping her name casually. Then the thought hits me; maybe she would want to dance. The only person I've danced with has been Carly.
"That was delicious," she says with a content sigh as she pushes her plate away, then wipes her mouth with the thick cotton napkin. I can't believe she and Brenda both ate the entire - and large - dessert.
"See, I told you," Brenda smirked. She looked over at Sonny and then out at the dance floor.
"Go dance with your wife," Elizabeth tells Sonny with a wave of her hand and after a few moments - with Brenda asking if she was going to be alright - we're there alone while our friends head out onto the floor. With a nervous laugh she turns to me. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For Brenda dragging you into this. You don't normally eat here, do you?" I don't answer right away, but it appears that she wasn't really expecting me to because she keeps on talking. "Brenda…she's afraid of me being sad and she's afraid of doing the wrong thing so she probably asked you to be here so I wouldn't be alone if she and Sonny danced."
"Yeah, Sonny said something like that," I say, then wince as her eyes become moist. "I'm sorry, I...I probably shouldn't have said that.
"No, no it's...thank you. I think that's the first time in months someone was honest with me."
"Your friends all lie to you?" I ask, wondering why someone would be around people like that.
"No," she says sadly. "It's not like that. My...my fiancé died about five months ago. He...he was in the Army, had gone into dangerous places and situations...but he was hit one night by a drunk driver as he was coming home and died. So all my friends, which were mostly a lot of his friends first, all don't know what to say to me. They invite me out to dinner, avoid talking about him so they don't upset me, and..."
She trails off and looks at me sheepishly. "I'm sorry. You probably don't care...you were probably just being polite."
"No," I assure her, putting my hand over hers on reflex. We both look down at our hands on the table, and the tension mounts until I pull my hand back. "I wasn't being polite...well, I was but...I'm sorry about your fiancé."
Now I understand the awkward moment earlier and the sadness she's been hiding in her eyes all night. She was playing a part tonight, just like I was. Despite Sonny telling me before this wasn't a set-up, I didn't really believe him. Now I do. She's not looking for someone new in her life anymore than I am, and with that realization I feel myself relax.
The band changes songs and Elizabeth sinks in her seat, a soft, almost haunted look crossing her face, and then looks out at the couples on the floor. "Would…would you like to dance?"
I look out at the couples dancing as a bit of uncertainty grips me and see the maitre d' approach Sonny and Brenda and then they follow after him. Frowning I look at Elizabeth to see what she made of it, but instead she's looking at the table, her cheeks stained red. "Elizabeth?"
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice soft and thick. "Brenda said you don't dance. I...I really don't know why I asked. Please excuse me."
She stands and I stand as well, reaching for her arm. Brenda appears beside us before I can talk and looks at the two of us, a small smile on her face. "Were you two going to dance?"
"Yes," I say just as Elizabeth whispers, "No."
Brenda frowns, confused for a minute, but then quickly says, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry but Sonny and I have to go. Kim's nanny called and told us she's started running a fever. When are you heading back to Denver?"
"Thursday."
"Okay, I'll call you and we'll get together before you leave," she promises as the two women hug. "I'm sorry about having to cut tonight short."
"No, no," Elizabeth shakes her head. "I hope she's alright."
"She will be," Sonny assures her. "Brenda and I just want to be with her. Do you want us to walk you up to your room?"
"I'll take her," I say, wanting to talk to her.
Elizabeth rolls her eyes. "I'm staying in this hotel. I can make it back to my room by myself."
"Call Johnny please?" I ask and he nods, and then puts his hand on Brenda's back as they turn and leave the restaurant.
"You don't have to stay," she says from beside me.
"I wanted to talk to you. I wasn't turning you down for a dance earlier. I saw them leave the dance floor and I wondered what was going on. I'm sorry."
"You don't need to explain," she says, gathering her purse. "I...I'm not really sure why I asked so don't worry about it."
"Would you like to dance?" I ask.
She looks at the dance floor, then back at me, that same sad look from earlier in the evening clouding her eyes, and shakes her head. "I think I should just call it a night and head back to my room."
"Alright," I tell her, and follow out behind her. I know Sonny's already paid the bill and I nod to the waiter on our way out.
As we climb on the elevator she shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. "Really, I'm a big girl. I can make it to my room without an escort."
"I know. I'm still going to walk you to the door, though."
She just laughs and shakes her head again as the elevator arrives at her floor and we step out. "Brenda's right. You aren't like most people. And that...I don't mean that's a bad thing."
"I know," I say as we stop at her door. "It was nice to meet you tonight."
"You don't have to say that."
"I don't say things I don't mean," I tell her sincerely.
"Okay," she says slowly, as if weighing my words. "It was nice to meet you, too. I'm...I'm kinda glad I'll know one more person when I move here."
"Good. Because I still owe you a dance. Goodnight, Elizabeth."
"Goodnight, Jason," she says and reaches for the doorknob. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah," I answer. "See you later."
Then I turn and walk down the plush carpeted hallway back to the elevator. She's already in her room by the time it arrives and I step on. I close my eyes and let out a slow breath as the car descends toward the lobby. There are days I'm not sure I can make it through the aftermath of Carly leaving. And there are days when the pain hurts so bad I'm not sure I can go on.
I can sense the same feelings in Elizabeth. I know that with both of us being friends with Sonny and Brenda that we'll see each other again. Maybe it might be nice to have another friend in town too. It might make the pain a little more bearable, to have someone there who knows how it feels finding out how to live again.
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