Jason takes a step toward honesty, but the road isn't easy.
When the phone call came to the warehouse during the meeting, Sonny immediately ended it, grabbed me and headed to the hospital. All the guard said was there had been an accident with Brenda, Kim and Elizabeth. The entire time the limo was moving we were silent, Sonny clearly worried about his family. I was worried about them as well, in addition to very unsettling thoughts toward Elizabeth. I knew that if any of them had even the smallest scratch on them because of our business that I would hunt down the person responsible and kill them.
The limo barely slows down before Sonny and I are out the door and heading into the Emergency Room. I keep telling myself that I need to pull back, be there for Sonny to help him get the information he needs about his family so that he doesn't lose it, but instead we're greeted by the sight of Brenda holding Kim on her lap and laughing. The little girl has a goose egg that is already beginning to color on her forehead and Brenda's wrist is wrapped, but that appears to be all.
Sonny immediately rushes over to them, tenderly cradling Brenda's face in his hands as he looks both of them over. "Are you okay? What did the doctor say?"
"We're fine," she assures him. "I'm alright, and so is Kim. They ran a few tests; she'll have a headache, but nothing more sinister."
"What happened?" he asks as he sits beside her and takes their daughter, holding her tight. I drift close enough to hear, but far enough away so as not to intrude on the family.
"Elizabeth and I were at the park with Kim and somebody came through walking a large group of dogs. You know Kim, she loves dogs and wanted to see them. We kept her out of the way, held her hand, and didn't let her get too close."
"It's alright," Sonny says, taking her hand when the guilt covers Brenda's face. "I would have let her see them too."
I glance around the waiting room looking for Elizabeth. The guard and Brenda said she was there, both Brenda and Kim have been treated and released, Elizabeth should be with them. Unless her injuries were worse... I have to stop. Thinking things like that doesn't do me any good.
"One of the dogs saw a squirrel or something," Brenda continues on. "And it took off, got away from the dog walker. He fell, got tangled, the other dogs got loose and one of them came towards us. Kim got scared, tripped as she was running and I grabbed the leash to keep the dog away from her."
"That's how you got hurt," Sonny murmurs, running his hand lightly over Brenda's bandaged hand. He places a kiss on his daughter's head and gives the girl a squeeze. "What happened to Elizabeth?"
Well finally Sonny thinks of someone beside his family. As soon as the thought comes I shake my head. It wasn't like Sonny got up to leave and then remembered there was a third person with them, of course he's going to make sure his family is alright before asking about their friend. And I could have asked about her, if only I wasn't so afraid. Ever since that night on the cliff road nearly two months ago we've hardly been in the same room. She spooked me the night she bared her soul and admitted she had feelings for me, and I shut down on her.
Sonny and Brenda have noticed, how we don't talk about each other, how one of us leaves shortly after the other arrives, and how if we are in the same room together we studiously ignore each other and don't speak. They've asked a few questions, but surprisingly haven't pushed. It's the elephant in the room that nobody talks about, but we all know the steps to fix what's going on will have to be mine.
Elizabeth was honest, and I've spent the weeks running from my feelings.
"Elizabeth..." Brenda sighs and casts a glance across the room. "A Great Dane knocked her down on his way to freedom and she got pretty banged up. They've taken her to x-ray, neurology and the last I heard she was needing some stitches."
Sonny's brow furrows as he frowns, and my stomach has twisted at the mention of neurology. "What happened to her?"
"She fell into the roots of that large oak and then took a header down the embankment. We'll look back on this and laugh..." she says, her voice catching. "As soon as we know she's alright."
The only thing we can do now is wait. So my brain does whatever it seems to do when I sit still for more than twenty seconds, it turns to Elizabeth. This time I don't fight too hard because it gives me something else to think about besides the clinical and sterile smell of the hospital that is threatening to overwhelm me.
The night she told me she cared about me beyond friendship I wanted to tell Sonny to send me out of the country. I didn't want to stay in town and be near her, to see her and think of her. I don't want anyone to care about me, and the thought of that person being Elizabeth frightens a part of me.
She's only the second woman in my short life who's claimed to care for me as something more than a friend. The differences between Carly and Elizabeth are night and day, and I feel connected to Elizabeth more than I ever did to Carly. Carly was a physical, fun relationship, but she wasn't someone I could really talk to. Elizabeth is someone who understands and accepts me for who I am without trying to change me. Somehow the thought of going beyond that, trying for something more than friendship, makes me worry that I could lose it all.
I'd rather have Elizabeth in my life as a friend, than not at all. I allowed myself to be selfish enough to want that, despite fearing that she would be hurt because of my job. The thought of someone going after her because of me or Sonny makes me see red. The day Sorrel stopped her on the docks, I would have killed him if he'd made one wrong move against her. But I never thought the real danger to us would come from our emotions and feelings and end up pushing her out of my life.
The clinking of plastic rollers on a metal track brings me back to my surroundings and I look up as I rub the back my neck. Sonny and Brenda are standing and I turn, following their gaze. Elizabeth is standing beside the curtain and the sight of her bandaged and bruised face makes something inside me yell to hold her and make sure she's taken care of. Instead I fold my arms and look past her.
"We want you to see your doctor in a week," Bobbie Jones says from beside Elizabeth. "And here are your prescriptions."
I watch as Bobbie's gaze falls on me, then she turns and walks away. Carly's mother made it clear she didn't approve of what her daughter did with Michael, but we stopped talking shortly after they left with A.J. for California. I can't fault her for wanting a relationship with them, and by an unspoken agreement, we say very little to each other when we meet.
"Aw, sweetie," Brenda murmurs as she moves toward her friend. "Come on, let's get you home."
"Thank you," she replies, her voice slow and different from the bandages wrapped around her jaw. "Can we stop and get these filled so I don't have to go back out?"
"Of course," Sonny tells her, taking the forms from her. "We can send Paul now and have him meet us back at the penthouse with them."
She sighs and closes her eyes and I know that look. She's not going to the penthouse. No matter how much Sonny or Brenda try to convince her, she won't go. "I just want to go home. My home."
Brenda frowns and looks up at me, her eyes narrowing as if this is my fault. Maybe it is. Elizabeth probably doesn't want to be just across the hall from me. But I also know her and she just wants her own bed, her own surroundings and a place where Sonny and Brenda won't hover over her and smother - despite their best intentions.
"Sweetie, please just stay the night," she coaxes. "I don't like the thought of you being alone."
"I'll be fine," Elizabeth insists. "I'll be asleep the entire time. How 'bout you promise to bring me some breakfast tomorrow and you can check up on me?"
"That'll be fine," Sonny interjects, placing his arm around Brenda's shoulder before she can protest. "Some nice fluffy scrambled eggs, will be easy for you to chew. Or would you like poached?"
"I was hoping for doughnuts," she grumps and I hide a smile behind my hand at her pout and Sonny's dismayed look. "But that sounds good. Thank you."
"Come on, Elizabeth," Brenda says, slipping out of Sonny's grasp and putting her hand through her friend's arm. Steering her out to the waiting limo she immediately begins fussing over the smaller woman.
"You coming?" Sonny asks, shifting Kim in his arms and cradling her to his chest. I reach out, brushing a lock of hair off the girl's face, careful not to bump her bruise. She'll be asleep the moment the limo starts and I smile at the simplicity of her life.
"No," I say with a shake of my head as I focus back on Sonny. "I...I think it would make her uncomfortable. I'll call you later."
"Okay," he shrugs, clearly not the answer he was hoping for, but accepting it. "See you later."
"Bye, Kim," I smile, then turn out and head out the side entrance.
I must be out of mind. In the five days since Elizabeth got out of the hospital I can't stop thinking of her - even more than before. I'm constantly driving down her street and sitting for hours outside her apartment building. I dial her number and immediately hang up before it can connect. I...snorting, I shake my head, I've been reduced to following her just to catch glimpses of her and snatches of her voice or laughter.
Now I'm standing in the hall outside her apartment with a box of doughnuts, one hot chocolate and one coffee. Everything inside me says to just leave, because I have no idea what to say to her. But my heart doesn't listen and I raise my hand and knock.
When she opens the door surprise flickers over her face, but she quickly schools it away. "J-Jason? What are you doing here?"
Holding up the food I shrug. "Bringing breakfast."
She looks at me warily, but opens the door wider and invites me in. The bruises have faded on her jaw, no longer ugly and black, but a purple melting into blue which still stands out against her ivory skin. She has other scratches and scrapes, some bandaged, some not, but it is the bandage covering the stitches on her jaw that I find myself focusing on.
"Sorry about the mess," she says, looking at the scattered newspapers and art supplies and scowling.
"It's okay," I tell her, pushing an old newspaper out of the way and putting the box down. "Go ahead and sit. You don't want your hot chocolate to get cold do you?"
Her eyes twinkle for just a minute at the mention of hot chocolate, then it slips away as she looks at the couch. Gingerly she lowers herself onto the plush maroon cushions, grimacing as she holds her side. Now I know why she wasn't scurrying madly to straighten up the room. Here I thought she might have relaxed around me.
"Hurt your ribs?" I ask, and calling myself a fool after the words leave my mouth.
She laughs stiffly as she waves her hand. "I think just about every part of me has some bruise. I'm a natural born klutz, never mastered the art of a graceful fall. Plus it didn't help that the dog probably weighed as much as I do."
"Probably more," I say. "You sure you're alright?"
She peers at me, and then looks away. "I'll be fine. I'm getting bored just sitting around with Sonny and Brenda hovering. I'll be glad to get back to work."
As I hand her the hot chocolate that has been mocking her on the coffee table she takes a sip before casting me a sideways glance. "So, why are you really here?"
"I told you," I answer, opening the box and pulling out a Boston Cream doughnut for her. "I brought food. Sonny's probably gone overboard with the full breakfasts and I thought you might like sugar."
"You remembered," she murmurs as she eyes her favorite pastry.
She says nothing else as she eats and drinks her hot chocolate. The tension and silence grows thicker with each passing moment and I look down at the hardwood floor. Once we could sit comfortably together and I hate that I've brought us to this unease. As we finish the food, I wipe my hands and toss the crumpled napkin into the box.
"I'm sorry."
"Hmm," she looks at me. "No, no, I'm sorry. The medicine makes tired. I guess I'm not very good company."
"You don't have to entertain me," I shake my head. "I mean I'm sorry...for the past couple of months."
"Don't worry about it," she says flatly and stands up, hiding a hiss through clenched teeth as she gathers the trash before heading for the kitchen.
Standing I shove my hands into my pockets. "I've been a jerk lately and avoiding you."
"It's not your fault," she says as she washes off her hands, still refusing to look at me. "I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry I ruined this for us."
"You were just being honest."
"Yeah? Well, honesty's overrated," she grouses while drying her hands. "There's no point in talking about this, okay? Thank you for bringing breakfast, but I...I think you should go now."
She looks around again, as if upset that she doesn't have a room to lock herself into except the bathroom across the studio. She takes a step to the side and I counter it, causing her to scowl. "Will you just go?"
"No. Because you've been honest, but I haven't."
"Oh, I think your actions have spoken volumes," she says, carefully crossing her arms.
"Because I don't know what else to do," I snap with frustration. "I have very few friends. Sonny, Brenda and a couple of the guards. That's it. Then you came into town and you were someone I could talk to, someone I could spend time with and you never wanted anything from me."
"Until now," she says regretfully. "I'm sorry. Look, if you don't feel the same way, you don't feel the same way...I understand. You're not attracted. Why don't you just say that instead of avoiding me? Sure I-I'd be embarrassed for a bit, but I'll live."
I peer down at her and struggle to find my voice. "Not attracted? If only that were true."
"I...I... What?"
"With Carly...we...we didn't know each other. It was only sex in the beginning. It didn't mean anything," I tell her.
"But you...I mean...Michael," she says softly with a shrug.
Swallowing I take a half step back. "Carly didn't push me like my family. It was physical, but we became friends. Only...we really weren't. She just wanted what I could give her, which was meant money. When she told me she was pregnant...it never occurred to me Michael might not be mine. But what I'm trying to say is you're my friend...and I fought it when I started to feel more."
This time when she tries to get by me I let her go. "Gotcha. You want to be my bud. I'm one of the guys, nothing more. Should I start burping and scratching myself in public like Max to make it easier for you?"
"Why are you doing this?" I ask as I turn to stare at her.
"Because you talk about it was sex - just physical - with Carly. There was this huge attraction...and I'm just a friend. You fought against feeling more for me." She pauses and pushes her hair back. "I'm sorry that the idea of being with me makes you want to go screaming into the night."
"That's not what I said or even meant."
"Well then maybe you better spell it out for me."
"I don't want to want you!"
She takes a step back and looks at me with large, wounded eyes. Her jaw moves, but no sound comes out. Finally she swallows and manages to speak, "Thank you. Get out."
"Elizabeth, wait," I take a step forward. "I'm sorry."
"Go. I think I've taken all the insults I can handle today."
"I'm not trying to insult you."
She laughs, strangled and bitter. "Imagine if you were."
"Look." I stop and shove a hand through my hair and rub the back of my neck. "I'm not trying to hurt you. Really. I just...this is all new to me, Elizabeth. With Carly it was just sex that we tried to make more. I've never started out as friends with a woman. I'm afraid to want more."
"Why?"
"Because...why would you want someone like me? All I can bring is danger and bodyguards to your life."
She shakes her head as she sits down. "You give me so much more than that, but I think that's what you want to believe. It's easier to keep people at a distance."
"It keeps people safe."
"No," she shakes her head sadly and slowly. "It keeps you safe. You let Carly into your life; you were raising a little baby. You just don't want to open yourself to the pain. And I can understand that. I think it's a sad way to live...but that's not really for me to judge. I'm sorry I said anything."
Feeling defeated and tired, I lean against the wall and slip my hands into my pockets as I look at her on the couch. Before Carly I was content to just have Sonny and Brenda in my life. After Carly I swore I'd go back to that and never want anyone again. But quietly and without meaning to Elizabeth made me open up and feel things again. I've come to look forward to seeing her, being with her and having someone who made me laugh.
"No, you're right. It is a sad way to live. Once I thought my life was enough, I had everything I wanted. But you showed me there was so much I was missing. I just didn't want to admit it."
She watches me silently as I walk towards the couch and sit beside her. It's the closest we've been since the night on the cliffs. Taking the same chance she took that night, I reach over and take her hand in mine. "I care about you too, Elizabeth. Definitely as more than a friend. I-I just don't want to lose you as my friend and I'm scared. I thought I could live like we were. Friends, not letting you get too close so my life didn't touch you, but...not having you in it at all..."
She looks up from our joined hands with a small smile as I trail off, not finding the words I'm searching for. "What do you say we just take it slow and be honest with each other, and...we'll just see where it goes?"
She tries to keep her voice light, but I can hear the want, as well as the fear. I don't want to ruin what we have, but I've realized I can't live my life in fear when this could turn into something really wonderful.
"Honest, huh?" I ask, my thumb stroking over the back of her hand. "What I'd honestly like to do right now is kiss you."
Her gaze dips to my mouth, then back to my eyes as hers twinkle. "I-I want you to kiss me too."
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