Jason waits for Elizabeth to make a decision.
Space.
When Elizabeth said she needed time, space, I wasn't fully prepared for how much that would be. I think she expected me to go back to Port Charles and maybe call her every once in a while. I don't think she figured I would get an apartment in St. Louis.
I've been away from Port Charles before; Sonny doesn't need me by his side every day. I take care of the things he needs me to do, but I don't have to be gone all the time. This makes it possible for me to be near Elizabeth and prove to her that she's who I want to be with.
It hasn't been easy to convince her of that, though; not that I expected it to be. We've gotten together, for dinner or to play pool, but we've lost the comfort and ease we used to have. I've tried to explain and apologize for my behavior, but she asked me to stop. She's tired of my trying to fumble my way through explanations of why I said Carly's name, or why I slept with Elizabeth after seeing my ex.
She says I've apologized, she says she understands why I didn't want to wait any longer...she says it but I don't think she really means it. But I understand why she doesn't want to hear me try and make explanations, because I don't want to keep hearing the words come out of my mouth. Without that to talk about though, we don't have much to say to each other.
But I'm not giving up. She didn't run away, or turn me away when I came to my senses, back when I retreated from her after she said she cared. If she needs time, I'll give it to her and not push. Because she hasn't told me to go away and leave her alone and until she does I will continue to wait and hope we'll work through this.
I meant it when I said that when I think about a future or a family I see her with me. More than that, I want her with me. I hadn't thought about a family before Carly told me she was pregnant, I just reacted to the situation. Now I think about choosing to have a family, instead of just accepting it was happening.
I just don't know how long I'll have to wait for Elizabeth to make up her mind about what she's going to do. I miss her. I miss being able to take her hand and not have her tense up. I miss brushing her hair off her shoulder as I help her line up a shot. She knew how to play, but we both liked when she would ask for my help. I liked the feel of her in my arms, long before we ever became lovers, and I liked the smell of her shampoo and the way it invaded my senses when I rested my cheek on her hair.
It's during nights like this, nights when the memories of our time together become so strong that I physically ache for her. I can feel the silken echo of her skin underneath my fingers. Memories taunt me, and I wake up feeling her hair brush across my cheek. Sometimes it haunts me so much that I long for anything to block out the sensations.
Tonight I really wish I had something stronger than beer in my apartment. But after the way I used drinking to drown myself when Elizabeth left, I've limited myself. I think I was drunk the night I said Carly's name, and when I offered that explanation to Elizabeth she said being drunk was just an excuse. She was right in more ways than one. I think I've been using alcohol as a way to get by for far too long, and then excusing inexcusable behavior by saying I was drunk.
It's not a thought that makes me proud. I've distanced myself from the Quartermaines because of the way they hide and write off their addictive behavior. From what Ned has told me, the reason I got into the accident was because the guy I used to be was trying to stop A.J. from driving drunk. Nobody else in the family wanted to admit or deal with his out of control drinking. To think I was acting in the same way makes me ashamed.
I don't like it, and yet tonight I crave alcohol. The blissful numbness it brings to me calls, and yet I don't want to give in to it. But I know if I stay in my apartment, missing Elizabeth and wondering when, or if, she'll ever return, that it will only make me want a drink more. So I grab my jacket and my keys. While a ride won't make me forget Elizabeth, I can find a less destructive way to quiet my brain and ease my loneliness.
When the elevator arrives down in the parking garage, I turn left to head towards my bike and stop in my tracks. Elizabeth is back in town and she's standing beside my motorcycle. Her absence, a convention out of town, is partially what's contributed to my unease. Knowing I couldn't even see her made me want her beside me all the more.
"E-Elizabeth?"
She turns, startled at the sound of my voice and dips her head in seeming embarrassment at having been caught running her hand over the leather and chrome. "H-hey, Jason," she said as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
I want to ask what she's doing there, but that would seem only draw attention to the fact that she's never been to my apartment. I sometimes wondered if she'd thrown my address away. Instead I try to keep my voice casual and ask, "When did you get back?"
"Tonight," she answers, shifting on her feet. She seems to know that I won't push her for her reasons for being there. If anything is said tonight, she's going to have to initiate it.
"I...I wanted to see you," she tells me almost shyly. Then she looks at me and the bike and takes a step back. "Were-were you going somewhere?"
"The walls seemed to be closing in tonight and I was going to go for a ride and get some air," I say. "You...you want to join me?"
She's silent for so long that I'm expecting her to make up some excuse and then bolt from the garage. Instead, after pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth and chewing it fiercely, she says, "It-it has been a while since we've taken a ride, huh? I...I'd like that."
My smile is immediate, and my heart feels lighter. I hand her the helmet I carry for her and climb on. Waiting for her to get on behind me, I wonder how tense she'll be. She's a little stiff as she sits behind me, but I'm surprised when she wraps her arms around my waist instead of merely hanging onto the sides of my jacket like I expect.
We ride for hours, and her excitement and happiness increases with each passing moment. She relaxes against me, her arms holding on tighter as she molds flat against my back. I can't help but remember our more intimate moments, but I'm trying hard not to think about that. The fact that she came here and is riding with me is a huge breakthrough, but I know it doesn't automatically mean we're back together or that we'll be sharing a bed soon.
When we stop at an intersection she leans forward and speaks above the engine. "Can we go back?"
"You want me to drop you off at your place?" I ask as I turn to look at her.
She shakes her head, "No. Let's go to your place."
My face must register my surprise because she just smiles. Then she laughs and points at the light which has just turned yellow. I rev the engine and speed through after I tell her to hang on. She's just told me she wants to go to my place, to stay with me longer. I'm not going to give her a chance to change her mind by sitting through another light.
She laughs as we race through the streets and all too soon we're back in the garage under my building. She climbs off as I turnoff the engine and I notice she looks more confident and less nervous now. We don't speak as we go up to my apartment, but I know that there are no words to say at the moment. We'll talk when we're inside and won't be interrupted by encountering people in the hallways.
When we go inside, I hand up my jacket and hers while she looks around the room and stuffs her hands in her pockets. "Go ahead and sit," I say. "Do you want a drink?"
"Just some water, please."
Coming back out of the kitchen, I smile at the sight of her curled up in the corner of the leather couch I bought when I moved in. It's a sight that I've long missed, and it's nice to see it tonight. She turns as I approach and smiles as she takes the glass.
"It's kinda odd to see you in a place without a pool table," she laughs. "You've got the same minimalist décor that I guess I just expected to see one."
"No real room for one," I say. It's true, but I could have crammed one in if I'd wanted. "Maybe a couple of months from now I'll change my mind."
"A couple of months," she murmurs before taking a sip of her water. Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear she looks up. "You're probably wondering why I'm here."
"I figured you'd tell me when you were ready. I'm just glad to see you again."
"I've missed you," she confesses softly. "When I left Port Charles...I knew it would devastate me. And it did. I love you so much, Jason, that I knew it would hurt me more to stay there and watch you pull away more and more and think you wanted to be with Carly."
She holds up her hand when I take a breath and start to speak. "I know you don't love her, and you don't want to be with her. I believe you, Jason, I really do. But I was scared."
"Scared?"
"Everything good in my life always seems to disappear. My parents were busy being doctors and left the country when I was a teenager. Brenda's my best friend, but college ended and we went our separate ways to our lives. Lucky died. I guess when we started having problems...I just accepted it and told myself it was par for the course. I've lost everything else, why wouldn't you grow tired of me and want someone new."
She's crying and wiping at her face, and I scoot closer, aching to hold her. I reach out and softly brush a tear away. "I don't want someone else."
"I know," she says through a watery half smile. "I believe that, I really do. I just had to have the space and time to figure it out...to really let it sink in. You have been...just amazing. You haven't pushed me, but you never gave up. You could have just said forget it and gone back to Port Charles, but you didn't."
"I couldn't give up on you, Elizabeth. Or on us."
She takes my hand in hers and squeezes gently. "Do you think we can try this again?"
"Yes," I tell her on a fierce whisper. "Yes, we can. We just have to talk, Elizabeth. I never knew you felt that way until you left."
"I'm sorry," she says tearfully. "I promise, no bailing. We talk things out and we make this work."
She slides over and wraps her arms around me and I immediately engulf her in my embrace. It has been so long since we've simply just touched that I never want to let her go. Pulling back slightly, I reach up to cup her cheek. "I love you, Elizabeth."
"I love you too," she whispers back.
I want to kiss her, but I don't want to push things, so I tilt my head and brush my lips across her cheek. It's her who turns her head and kisses me on the lips, catching me by surprise. It's short and it's chaste, but I feel it all through my body. Then she turns in my arms and rests her head on my chest, our bodies molded together.
We sit like that for a while, I don't even know how long, her fingers absently brushing over my side as I smooth my hand over her arm. "Do you have to work tomorrow?" I ask quietly, reluctant to break the silence.
"No."
"Will you stay tonight? Here on the couch," I add quickly. "I've missed you, and I just want to sit here all night and hold you."
She pushes against me, and I move my arm to allow her to sit up. "I have two questions," she says, her voice serious and I brace myself for rejection until a small smile crosses her lips. "Do you have a blanket? And do you still snore?"
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