Jason and Elizabeth's friendship grows, but there are obstacles to overcome.
Another night, another date with Jason Morgan. More and more I'm beginning to think we should just admit we're better off as friends and just stop calling these outings dates. While I enjoy myself every time we get together, I've felt the distance creeping between us and I think sometimes I should re-evaluate what I'm doing with Jason. In the three months since I moved to Port Charles I've almost seen more of him than I have of Brenda.
It started out with what I thought was him just honoring his word. He said he owed me a dance and we were going to have it. I explained to him that the song playing that night at The Grille was one my fiancé and I danced to and were going to use at our wedding. And that when I heard it and saw Sonny and Brenda dancing together I was hit with a wave of nostalgia so he didn't really need to take me out. He listened to me, said he understood, but that he still owed me a dance. Since I knew he had felt out of place at The Grille I suggested we he choose the place, somewhere he felt comfortable. That was our first time going to Jake's and I absolutely fell in love with the place. It's also where I started to care about Jason, maybe in a way that I shouldn't have.
Because while we have fun together, laugh and enjoy motorcycle rides and go to Jake's nearly once a week to play pool, Jason has been holding a part of himself back. I've seen the inside of his penthouse exactly once. We usually go out, he comes over to my apartment, or we meet at Sonny and Brenda's for dinner. So, I'm actually a little surprised that we're going to his apartment right now.
Jake's was a madhouse tonight and the wait for the pool tables would have been over an hour. We'd missed our normal pool night last week because he'd been out of town, and I made a small sound of disappointment that we weren't going to be able to play tonight. I know he doesn't like crowds and I didn't feel like dealing with them either tonight, so I suggested we go do something else.
Partway through our ride it started to rain and I told Jason we should just admit defeat and call it a night. Instead he took us to the Towers, hardly saying a word. I'm a bit curious, but I know this is also normal behavior for him at times. Sometimes though the quiet gets to me and I have to break it.
"You didn't have to bring me here," I tell him as we board the elevator.
"You wanted to play pool didn't you?" he questions, a bit of an edge to his voice.
"I guess, yeah. You know, I forgot you have a pool table of your own," I say, feeling nervous and not knowing why. "You must use it all the time."
"I like to play," he shrugs. "You going to get on my case now because I've been taking you to Jake's instead of here?"
The bite in his voice is stronger now and when the elevator reaches his floor I'm slow to follow him off. "That wasn't what I was saying, Jason. I was just commenting. You know, maybe I should just call a cab. It's late, I had a really long day at the museum, and I'm damp from the rain. Let's just call it a night."
"Fine, whatever," he snaps as he unlocks his door. Then he spins around and his eyes are flashing anger, "You know, I don't get you. You love to play pool, you've been hounding me and hounding me to come over-"
Hounding him? I mention once, maybe twice, that my apartment is a mess because I'm working on a project and could we meet at his place instead and that's hounding him?
"-so I finally give in to your nagging and suddenly you want to go home. What, is my place not fancy enough for you? Do I not dress sharp enough for your taste? Or do I cut my food wrong?"
His voice is rising and the guard on Sonny's door has edged closer to the hallway where we're standing. I've refused to move close to Jason; in fact I've taken a step back. Jason doesn't seem to notice as he keeps yelling.
"What do I have to do for you to stop nagging? How much do I have to change for you? Huh? When is enough enough?"
Sonny and Brenda's door opens and I want to tell them to go back inside, but I don't think I can speak without crying. Our friends seem to realize though that saying something isn't going to help diffuse the situation, so mercifully they remain quiet. Finally, I'm able to swallow and I take a small step forward.
"Wh-who?" my voice shakes and I clear it raggedly. "Who are you talking to, Jason? Me...or Carly?"
He steps back as if struck and it kills me to ask him. Brenda and Sonny sigh and shift behind me.
"Elizabeth-"
I shake my head at Jason as he says my name. "I'm going home. Because right now we're only going to hurt each other if we say anything more. Sonny?"
"Yes?" he asks softly.
"Can one of your men give me a ride please?"
"Yes, of course," he answers and steps inside to make the call.
"Elizabeth?" Brenda says, gently placing her hand on my shoulder.
"I'll call you tomorrow," I tell her, my eyes never leaving Jason as he stands against the wall looking broken. "I just need some time."
"Okay."
"I'll call you," I say once again. Then I push the button for the elevator and step on, not looking back.
I couldn't sleep when I got home and nothing made a difference. I cleaned, I read, I watched late night movies and yet nothing worked. All I could think about was the scene in the hallway. I've never seen Jason quite like that before and I wasn't sure what to make of it.
It's not that I'd never seen Jason angry before. A man stopped me on the docks one afternoon and made some not-so-veiled threat against me, Sonny and Jason. Before I could tell the man where to get off Jason was there, seething because the man dared to talk to me. Things went from bad to worse when a bald black man, who I found out was Lt. Marcus Taggert of the PCPD, came up and tried to arrest Jason for assault. When I said he had simply been getting rid of a guy bothering me the police officer got mad at both of us. Jason went cold and silent in the face of his tirade, though the fury rolled off him in waves.
Tonight was the first time that anger had been directed at me. I know the basics of what happened with Carly and that he's been holding onto a lot of hurt since then. I don't know what about the situation set him off tonight, but I am certain that he wasn't really aware that it was me with him. I wish I knew what to do for him, but giving him space is probably the only thing that will work.
I just wish I could find something that worked for me. I throw off the covers, cursing myself for even thinking I could sleep. The sun will be up soon and I can't spend anymore time staring at the walls of my apartment. Resigned to being tired I decide to take a walk and find someplace to watch the sun rise.
When I reach the street, I just start walking, not really caring where I end up. So when I find myself at Vista Point I'm surprised at how far I've walked. Belatedly I feel the tired spasms and twitches in my legs and I know they'll be sore later. But that isn't important when my eyes land on Jason's bike in the parking lot. I do not want to see him right now and I turn to go. Suddenly, my legs don't feel tired anymore.
Halfway down the road I hear the distinct sound of the Harley and cringe. There's no place to hide along the side of the road and I brace myself for the encounter to come. The engine slows and I know he's spotted me, but I don't stop and I don't look at him.
"Elizabeth?" he asks as he stops the bike in the road and blocks my way. "What are you doing out here?"
"Taking a walk," I reply blandly, skirting my way around the bike.
His hand whips out, grabbing my arm and stopping me. He frowns as he glances down the road. "You walked all the way out here? It's dark, Elizabeth. It's not safe to be out here on foot. What were you thinking?"
I jerk my arm out of his grip and shake my head. I am not about to tell him that I wasn't paying attention to where I was going because I was hurt and upset. "Don't worry about it," I finally say. "I'm on my way home."
"Elizabeth, wait...please," he pleads, his voice softer. "I didn't mean to snap at you like that. I...I just worry about you, you know that."
"I do," I nod, because that's the one thing I truly know about all of this.
"You haven't been out here walking," he swallows hard, "you haven't been out here since you left, have you? Paul took you home, didn't he?"
"He did," I answer quickly. No point for the guard to get in trouble because of our problems. "I just couldn't sleep...so I thought I'd watch the sun rise."
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I...you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt," he tells me as he gets off the bike and stuffs his hand in the pockets of his leather jacket. "I don't know why I said those things tonight. You've never nagged me...you've never pushed or asked me to be someone I'm not."
"I'm glad you realize that," I say, refusing to give into the impulse to look away. He has such piercing eyes that they can be overwhelming sometimes, especially when he softens and opens up just a piece of himself. "I know you didn't mean what you said, but I can't deny that it hurt."
Closing his eyes, he sighs. "I know. That's what brought me out here. I couldn't sleep...your voice kept running through my head when you asked me if I was talking to you or Carly."
I frown and find myself saying, "I'm sorry, that was harsh."
"Harsh? Elizabeth, I was the one yelling. The guard thought I'd lost it and was worried he was going to have to step in to protect you."
"You would never hurt me," I blurt out at the ludicrous thought. "How could anyone think you would hurt me?"
He takes a step back and his eyes widen briefly before softening even more. "How...how can you still have such faith like that after I screamed at you the way I did?"
"Because your words weren't really directed at me. And I know you would never physically hurt me. Look, I know a little about what Carly did, from what you've told me and a bit from Brenda." I hold up my hand when he takes in a breath as if to protest. "She wasn't sitting me down to dish the dirt behind your back. It was casual stuff, came up off-handedly, normally. The point is, I know Carly hurt you. Hurt like that leaves a mark no matter what we do to erase it."
I let out a slow breath and look back up the road towards Vista Point. The ink black night is fading, being replaced by blues and violets. I'm not sure what else to say to him, or even if I should say anything. He apologized; I told him I know he didn't mean it. We spoke, we were civil and it's honestly more than I expected so soon afterwards. Whatever prompted him to yell like he did, I'm not asking him about it. Asking will only be seen as pressing, demanding for answers he may not have.
Jason turns and runs a hand over his face before spearing his fingers through his hair. "It hurt. I know it's been nine months, but sometimes it's like it happened yesterday. After the accident everyone said I was damaged, that I wasn't capable of love or anything like that. Carly was nice, didn't seem to want anything from me except to have fun. Then I found out she was pregnant and...everything changed. I loved Michael...with everything inside me. I loved him so much."
My eyes burn and my chest hurts; I feel like I can't even breathe. The pain reaches out from him and just fills me.
"When I found out about A.J., she...she laughed. Said I was a hopeless cause, that she would never be able to mold me into a truly appropriate father for Michael. That a reformed drunk who could use the right fork was better to raise him than me. And since the DNA tests proved A.J. was his father there wasn't a thing I could do. She took him and that was it."
"I'm sorry," I whisper, tears falling down my cheeks.
"I don't know what happened tonight. Whatever it was...there's no excuse for the things I said, for the way I acted."
"Jason, please, stop beating yourself up about this. I know you didn't mean them, that you weren't trying to hurt me." I take a step forward along with a deep breath. I am about to take a huge leap in our relationship and I hope we can weather it. Stepping even closer, I place my hand on his arm and wait until he looks at me. "I care about you a great deal, Jason. You're not just a friend to me...you're more...so much more than a friend."
Once again his eyes widen, and I know that he hadn't expected me to say that. With a sigh I continue on, "I know that you're still hurt by Carly. I can see it in your eyes. Lucky died and while it still hurts sometimes...my situation is nothing like yours. I...I didn't expect to develop these feelings for you, but I did."
I force myself to let go of his arm and take a step back. "It hurts me to see you still in such pain...I wasn't fully aware of how deep it all went. I wish I could help you. I want to help you, but I can't force my way into your life. You either know that I would never hurt you like Carly, or you don't. I can only say you have nothing to fear from my heart."
"Elizabeth-"
I hold up my hand and shake my head, having a strange flash to the hallway earlier tonight. "Don't. You're not ready for this, I know that. And I'm sorry that I've made you uncomfortable, and I..." I shrug as I trail off. I know I just ruined my friendship with him, but I feel like I had to tell him my feelings for him. There is still a part of him so wounded by Carly that he refuses to open himself up to the possibility someone can or will care for him. Maybe it was foolish to think that he would take that chance with me, that he would think about the possibilities. I let out a small breath and force a smile onto my face and into my voice when I just want to cry. "Goodnight, Jason. I...I guess I'll see you around."
We'll see each other at Sonny and Brenda's, and that will come sooner than either of us wants. Turning, I start walking down the road, and my chest hurts with each step I take, but I force myself on. It has to be done no matter how much I want to stay.
Fair or not I just threw the ball in Jason's court. I hope he does something with it, but I know I better prepare myself for the more likely chance that he won't. As I walk around the curve in the road and out of his sight I wonder if the museum has any place it can send me for a month...two...however long it takes to repair the bruising I know my pride is about to take.
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