A/N: After Elizabeth leaves town, Jason comes to realize that if he wants happiness, he must choose to go after it.
A life filled with revenge, wasn't much of a life, Jason decided sadly one night as he stepped into the corner market. In the months after Michael's shooting, Jason had lived for one single purpose. Find the persons responsible for the little boy ending up in a permanent coma, and eliminate them. Get the word out that if anyone dared to mess with the Corinthos organization, especially Sonny's children, then destruction would be rained down upon their heads.
He had fulfilled his promise. To himself. To Sonny, to Carly and especially to Michael. He had found the people responsible and he'd eliminated them. Every last one of them. Port Charles and the surrounding area had turned into a blood bath, and everyone suspected Jason and Sonny were behind it, but if there was one thing Jason had learned from his trial for killing Lorenzo Alcazar, it was how to be cautious, careful and creative.
Ian Devlin, Claudia, Johnny and Anthony Zacharra, Ric and Trevor Lansing and Rudy Tenaglia, Claudia Zacharra's uncle, along with Jerry Jacks had all died in random, completely unrelated ways. Car accidents, house fires, a few shootings...the manner of death wasn't as important as the fact that they were dead. Those responsible for the shooting of Michael had paid. Those who were responsible for the Zacharra family coming to town had paid. Those who might want to seek revenge on their behalf were preemptively eliminated.
It had taken time to accomplish, but Jason had nothing but time on his hands these days. In the months since Elizabeth had left town with the boys to never return, and then Spinelli had handed over all evidence he could find and disappeared as well, there was nothing else for Jason to focus on but revenge. It helped distract him from the aching hole in his soul that opened the day Elizabeth announced she was leaving and he would never see her or his son again. At least, he tried to pretend that it distracted him. In truth, it did a very poor job.
He thought about them first thing in the morning and last thing before he went to sleep. He wondered where they were, and if they were alright. Were they safe, were they healthy, were they happy? He tried to tell himself that as long as they were, then all this was worth it. That his pain and his unhappiness didn't matter.
But he couldn't forget the times that he'd almost lost them and that there would have been nothing he could have done to prevent it. He would remember the unmistakable pain and anguish on Elizabeth's face. She didn't like the decision, he knew she wanted to be with him, and yet she'd left town because she didn't think there was anything else she could do. She wouldn't sit here waiting for someone to find out the truth about Jake; she was going to do what she could to protect their son. The thought terrified, comforted and enraged Jason.
How could he make sure some enemy of his didn't use them if he didn't know where they were? Yet, if he couldn't find them - not that he'd tried - then just maybe they would be safe and Elizabeth was right. Then some nights he would rage that he'd lost the one thing he wanted most in life, his family, all because of reckless choices he and others had made long before he'd ever walked into Jake's and met Elizabeth Webber.
With a sigh and a scrubbing of his hands over his face, he took mental stock of the refrigerator in the penthouse. He decided that as long as he was buying gas, he should pick up some beer. As he exited the walk-in, refrigerated beer cooler, he paused for a moment and then turned left for the refrigerated cases against the wall. There wasn't any orange soda in the house and if he brought home beer for himself and didn't bring any soda, Spinelli would probably go on and on about the injustice of it all or something.
Suddenly Jason stopped short and let out a growl mixed with a sigh. He must be tired if he'd forgotten Spinelli didn't live with him anymore; that the young man didn't even live in Port Charles now. There wasn't any need for orange soda, just like there hadn't been any need for the hot chocolate Jason had purchased last month at the grocery store. The people he was buying the products for weren't in his life anymore.
Jason looked over at the cash register as loud, angry voices suddenly cut through his mental fog and inattentiveness. He recognized the gun in the teenager's hand moments before the glass case - the one containing orange soda - exploded. Dropping his beer and raising his hands automatically to shield his face from the flying debris, Jason crouched down and reached for his gun in the same movement. By the time he looked up over the aisle of chips and candy, the would-be robber was running through the parking lot to the waiting car and Jason and the cashier behind the counter were left staring at each other.
Sirens filled the air, no doubt responding to the silent alarm the cashier must have tripped, and Jason tucked his gun away and ran a hand through his hair, shaking bits of glass loose. If he hadn't remembered Spinelli was gone, he would have been standing in front of the case when the robber let off his wild shot. It was a thought that gave him pause for just a moment.
"Jason?"
Tired and weary, he looked up at Diane, just wishing she'd go away. "What?"
"You know that normally I do not delve into the personal lives of you and Sonny."
He leaned back in the chair behind Sonny's desk and closed his eyes. Who was she kidding? She was constantly getting involved in Sonny's relationship with Kate. If she thought he was going to sit by and let her lecture him on letting Elizabeth and Jake leave, then she had another thing coming. The decision was done, his son was safe, Elizabeth as well, and that was all that mattered.
"Diane," he interrupted her, not having listened to anything she was saying, "I am not going to get involved in Sonny's love life."
"I wasn't asking you to," the attorney replied.
"I am not going to discuss my love life with you."
"Hard to discuss what does not exist," she retorted.
"I am not going to discuss my decision to let Jake and Elizabeth go. I did it so they would be safe."
"I understand why you would make that decision, considering what happened with Michael." She looked at him. "What I was saying, that you clearly did not hear a word of, was an inquiry over you, and more specifically your health."
"I'm fine," Jason answered automatically.
Her left eyebrow rose in a most condescending and disbelieving way. "Pardon me for not taking your infallible word, but you are pale, you are sweating, and you keep clutching at your side in pain. While I do not want to know if you were recently engaged in any criminal activity that left you with injuries, I would suggest you contact a discreet medical personnel and have yourself attended to."
"I'm not hurt," he told her sharply and went to sit up. He bit back a grimace and changed his mind. He would never admit it to Diane, but his side did hurt.
"Then perhaps you should have an examination done, because clearly," she said with a little flourish of her hand in his direction, "something is causing you distress."
He looked at her with a level, and firm, look. "I'm fine."
The attorney did not believe him, he knew it, she knew he knew it, but Jason was not going to give in. While he wasn't feeling well, he was sure it would pass. He didn't like doctors, he used their guy when he was shot or injured, but he wasn't just going to walk into General Hospital and asked to be examined. Maybe if Elizabeth was here, he'd ask her, but she wasn't.
"Alright," Diane conceded, disappointment clear in her voice. "Then may I suggest that you at least go home and get some rest?"
With those parting words, she left the office and Jason rested his head against the high back of the executive chair and closed his eyes. He didn't feel good. He was tired, but he'd never let an illness bring him down before, he wasn't going to start now. He wasn't shot; he didn't need stitches or recuperation time in order to heal, so he just needed to deal with this. Maybe going home and resting wasn't such a bad idea. Diane was probably gone by now, she never hung around very long after her meetings unless Max was on duty and he was down at the coffee warehouse today, so he could escape without her thinking that he was following her suggestion.
Slowly he stood, leaning against the desk on his way around it and walked towards the door. He knew he was in trouble the moment he let go of his support, but he kept going. Straight down to the floor.
The steady beep of machines was the first sound Jason recognized when he slowly regained consciousness. He felt slow, lethargic and couldn't keep his eyes open to inspect his surroundings. Eventually, though, the sounds and smells filtered in and he realized he was in a hospital. And the beeping machine was monitoring him.
He tried to move and then immediately regretted the action when a stabbing pain lanced through his side and then settled firmly into a not-so-dull ache. He groaned in response to the pain and determined that such action in the future was to be avoided at all costs. Nothing was as important as not repeating such a byproduct.
"I do believe you're awake, Mr. Morgan," he heard a gruff voice say.
Slowly he forced his eyes open and was greeted by the sight of a very stern looking Epiphany. "What happened?" he managed to croak out.
"Your appendix ruptured, probably a day or so ago and you developed an infection that very nearly killed you," she said bluntly, and without much sympathy at all. "You're darn lucky to be alive, in fact."
He frowned slightly at her words. "My appendix?"
"Yes," she answered.
Her words were clipped, her movements quick and economical, not at all nurturing or caring. It wasn't how he imagined Elizabeth would be if she were taking care of him. Both times she'd nursed him back to health after being shot she had lingered in her touches over him. She'd sat beside him, talked softly, with concern and compassion in her voice. Even when he hadn't known the baby she was carrying was his and he'd undoubtedly hurt her by talking about having to find Sam, she'd still been concerned for him. She'd been tender. She'd been loving.
"For whatever reason," Epiphany stated as she placed the chart into the slot at the end of his bed and then crossed her arms over her chest. "The universe has decided to once again spare your life. Though you hardly deserve it."
That made his eyes open wide and he gaped at her.
"You are surrounded by violence and yet bullets don't kill you, they just harm innocent little boys. Even your body doesn't give out on you when other people have died from such conditions. But that's not even the worst of it," she said with a disgusted shake of her head. "Apparently your word means absolutely nothing."
She scoffed, "Not that I should expect something different from a criminal, but my Stanford would always tell me, 'Ma, you just don't know Jason Morgan. He's one of the best men I know, and his job doesn't matter.' Apparently you didn't feel the same way about him, because I'm still waiting to find out who killed my boy despite you promising me months ago that you would track the information down."
He closed his eyes as her accusation struck home. He had promised to find out why Stan died, and yet he hadn't done so. Spinelli had been trying to track down clues, but there was always something that Jason had deemed more important and he'd never sat down with the young man and discovered what had been found in the box sent to Epiphany. He knew the older woman had suffered a heart attack while clutching Stan's ashes, and yet he'd still done nothing. Now he couldn't even promise her he'd have Spinelli look into it because the young man had left town and disappeared.
"I'm sorry," he said weakly.
"Yeah, so am I," she shot right back at him. "But not as sorry as I was to lose one of my best nurses because of you."
When he looked up at her sharply in surprise, she nodded her head. "Yes, Mr. Morgan, I know exactly why Elizabeth and her little boys left town. It wasn't because of her grandmother, or because of her survivor's guilt...it was because you broke her heart."
Jason clenched his jaw and looked away.
"You don't intimidate me, Mr. Morgan," she laughed at him. "Because I know that right now you can't even get out of bed to take a leak. So I'm going to tell you a few cold, hard truths."
Even though the door was closed, she still lowered her voice as she leaned closer. "I know that Jake Spencer is really your son. I knew it was a possibility even before you did. And I realized that Elizabeth may have said one thing to everyone else, and she may have lied on the witness stand, but the two of you knew the truth. That little boy is yours. And you walked out on him. Right after Michael Corinthos was shot she informed me her world just got a whole lot smaller."
"It was the only way that I could keep him safe," Jason offered in protest.
"Even after all the things that nearly happened to that family, and did happen to Cameron you still believed that?" she asked in disbelief. "I never pegged you as stupid, but I guess I was wrong."
"The chances of them surviving are better if they're not near me," he insisted.
"Unless someone else like me can take one look at that little boy and realize that there's no way Lucky Spencer is his father. So you've left them alone, and unprotected, and you think that's better for them?"
He didn't like the thought, and he'd been willing to put guards on Elizabeth and the boys, but she'd turned them down. Said she'd rather disappear and take her chances that way, then have his guards but not have him. If she'd accepted guards, then everybody would know, and it would have killed her to not be with him. He'd already broken her heart; he didn't fight her on her decision to leave.
Thankfully he was spared from further conversation with an angry Epiphany by the door opening and Sonny stepping inside. The older man looked at the nurse and asked, "How is he?"
"He'll live," she said shortly.
Then she turned for the hall, forcing the mafia don to sidestep in order to avoid being run over. When the door had been shut firmly behind her, he looked at Jason and raised his brows, "What was that about?"
"She's mad at me."
"I gathered that," he answered with a slight chuckle. "What for?"
"Stan, Elizabeth, not claiming Jake."
"She knows about Jake?" Sonny asked in surprise as he sat down on the chair next to Jason's bed. "Did Elizabeth tell her?"
"I don't think so," he shook his head. "She knew that I could be the father, and I guess she looked at Jake and didn't think he looked like Lucky."
"Ah," his friend nodded. "It probably is true. He looked like he'd be blonde, had some of your features. It may have been harder to keep the lie going if she'd stayed in town. Someone would have thought they were looking at a younger version of you."
Jason didn't know if his friend was trying to agree with him, or torture him with those words. Since Spinelli had left, Sonny had at times taken up the cause the younger man had championed. It had been foolish for Jason to think that walking away from Elizabeth and the boys would keep them safe. Other times he seemed to understand Jason's decision and didn't say anything in contradiction of it. He couldn't tell what mood the other man was in today, and he was too tired to try to guess.
Apparently, though, Sonny decided to shift gears and talk about a different subject. "You gave us all quite a scare there, Jason. Milo heard this crash from the office and rushed in there to find you collapsed on the floor. Your heartbeat was wild, your breathing really irregular. I told him to call an ambulance. I didn't know what was going on with you."
With a shake of his head, Sonny delivered the blow. "Turns out you weren't taking care of yourself. Weren't you in pain?"
"My side hurt a little," he shrugged.
Sonny shook his head. "Meaning you thought if you ignored it, it would just go away. Common theme with you."
Jason clenched his jaw and Sonny stood. "I should let you get some rest. You are going to stay in this hospital for as long as they want to keep you to make sure you're better. And if I have to, I'll hire a private nurse to take care of you after you're released."
"That's not necessary," Jason said with a scowl and a shake of his head.
"Yes, it is," the older man insisted. "Because you won't take care of yourself otherwise. If Elizabeth had been in town, there is no way you would have ended up passed out on the floor because she wouldn't have let you get away with denying that anything was the matter. And if she was in town, you know she would insist on taking care of you."
Slipping his hands into his Armani slacks, he continued, "Since it appears you are bound and determined to kill yourself before a bullet actually does, I am not going to let you. Although, if you're going to be this reckless with your health and are determined to do yourself in so you don't have to live with the pain of your stupid decision...then I'll make it my duty to keep you alive so you can live every day with the knowledge of what you've done and everything you've given up. You want to torture yourself, Jason? Then I'll make sure to torture you."
And then Sonny walked out of the room and left a stunned Jason in his wake. It appeared that once again Sonny was taking up the cause of Elizabeth and Jake and taking Jason to task for his decision. Maybe the other man thought that since Jason couldn't get out of bed and walk away he'd take advantage of Jason being a captive audience.
The next time he awoke, fighting through the haze of pain pills and post-op medication, he felt a soft hand holding his. A smile formed as he turned his head, but it froze halfway on his face when he opened his eyes. Instead of the person he was hoping to see, Carly was seated at his side, looking at him with deep concern.
"You're awake."
"Why are you here?" he asked with a scowl.
"Well don't look so happy to see me," Carly pouted. "Do you just not want to see me...or were you hoping for someone else?"
She said the last words so sour and bitterly that he closed his eyes and settled back into his pillow. "What do you want, Carly? I don't want to fight."
"Good, then we'll just pretend that you didn't expect to see Elizabeth Webber here by your bedside. You don't need her, and you're much better off if she just stays away."
He grimaced at her words. Elizabeth was staying away. He was staying away from her. It was supposed to be better this way, so why did it still hurt so bad?
"What's wrong?" Carly asked. When Jason shook his head, she pressed, "What? Are you in pain? Should I call the doctor?"
"No," he denied. "I don't need a doctor."
"No," she said bitterly, "you just want your little goody-goody nurse."
She looked around the room mockingly. "She doesn't appear to be here, though. I didn't see her lurking around in the hallway outside your room like I expected. I can't imagine that she would stay away from you if you were in the hospital and she had the perfect excuse to be in your room since she works here. I mean...when you hurt your hands, she was always in your room and getting in my face. And now she's nowhere to be seen."
"Let it be, Carly," he told her, his temper rising.
"No," she refused. "If she's staying away, then that's the best thing ever. She probably..."
She paused and swallowed, "She probably ran for the hills after Michael's shooting, once again breaking your heart by leaving you like she always does. Once again, Saint Elizabeth is making all the decisions and she's using any excuse in the book to keep you from your son."
"Isn't that what you're doing to Sonny?" Jason asked. "You took Michael and Morgan off to some Swiss clinic and you wanted Sonny to give up all his rights to those boys so Jax could adopt them. Why are you getting mad at Elizabeth for something that you finally admitted to me that you understood? That this life is dangerous and it's no place for children? If Elizabeth and Jake aren't in my life then it's for the best for them."
"No, it's not," she shook her head. "Michael got shot because Sonny made stupid choices and sent the guards away because he wanted to impress his girlfriend. You wouldn't do something like that. You would keep your little boy safe."
"No, I can't," he said. "And that's why Elizabeth and I are staying away from each other."
"You two can never stay away," the blonde laughed. "She'll come sniffing around...and I intend to make sure she stays away from you. I'm going to protect you from yourself because you'll look at her big doe eyes and give in to whatever she wants. And she'll probably want you to stay away for good. Because she's a pathetic, little girl who could never handle playing with the big boys and she's better off with my worthless waste of a cousin, aside from the fact that she constantly lies to him."
"Just shut up," he growled at her, tired of her badmouthing Elizabeth and getting on her for something that Jason made the decision about. "You don't know what you're talking about and I'm tired of you going off on her and sounding like a fool."
She blinked and looked at him in shock. "What...what?"
"I was the one who told Elizabeth I was going to stay away after Michael was shot. She was scared, but she was willing. I'm the one who told her I wasn't going to take a chance with her safety or with Jake's. I was never going to put her in the position that you were in, crying over her child's bed like you were."
Her eyes were moist as she looked at him. No doubt remembering those first days in the hospital and the pain that was always still with her. It had been hard for her to move Michael to another place, because she felt like she was giving up on her son. That was why the entire family had moved to be with him.
"If she was still in town, she'd be here," Jason said, sure she wouldn't be able to stay away. "But she's not here."
"She ran?" she scoffed.
"Like you did," he pointed out. "But her...her situation is different. I left her, I refused to be around her...and then she nearly died twice, and her son almost drowned and she fought me. And when I wouldn't change my mind she said she was going to leave town because it was too painful to stay in town. She also did it to protect Jake."
"And how is that supposed to protect him?" she asked with a shake of her head.
"She says that too many people know the secret and if someone tells the wrong person, or someone finds out, she doesn't want to be sitting unprotected and vulnerable if they decide to come after her and Jake."
Carly looked at him in consideration and then said, "I can't believe I'm going to admit this...but she's right. Sam came and told me because she was upset; what's to stop her from doing that to someone else? There are a lot of people who know, and the bigger he gets, the more he's going to look like you. So maybe the best way to protect him was to leave."
Jason raised his brow at her. "You're agreeing with Elizabeth?"
"Yeah," she laughed dryly. "And I think you're a fool for turning your back on the thing you want most. You love that little boy and you want him in your life and you just threw him away. At least Sonny loved Michael and Morgan enough to fight for them."
"I'm doing this because I love Jake and Elizabeth."
"By making them feel like they mean nothing to you," she stated with disgust. "Especially after she nearly died in a car accident and Cameron nearly drowned thanks to Lucky and those things had nothing to do with you."
When he tilted his head in question she said, "Momma told me what happened. You could have lost all of them, Jason, instead you just threw them away."
She shook her head, her curls tossing angrily, "I never thought I'd say this to you, Jason, let alone think it about you, but you and Sonny are the most selfish people I know. Because it's always about you and everyone else is just there to bend and bow to your whims."
Then she got up and stormed towards the door, pausing at it to look back at him. "I'm glad you're alright. Sonny will no doubt need you and you've got nothing else to do but be his little yes man. I'm returning to Switzerland tonight so I'll say goodbye."
Then she was gone and Jason was left with his head spinning from the way she had gone from attacking Elizabeth to suddenly attacking him. He knew she was upset and she was still trying to deal with everything that had happened to Michael and her life, but he wasn't quite sure how it turned into her against him. He had been on her side, he had supported her, and now she was telling him that he didn't love his son or Elizabeth enough because he didn't fight for them. She never wanted him to have Elizabeth in his life, and she was upset now because Elizabeth was gone? He gave them up in order to keep them safe, he gave them up because he thought it was the best way to love them, by not being selfish. How was she suddenly claiming he was selfish and only thought of himself?
Nothing made sense and he was tired of being in the hospital and just wanted to leave. But he knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon. And this time he didn't have the possibility of a visit from Elizabeth to look forward to. Most of all, he just wanted to get out of the hospital so everyone would stop telling him what a fool he was for giving Elizabeth and Jake up.
Jason had thought getting released from the hospital would be a good thing. Once home in his penthouse where they didn't have to worry about doctors or nurses overhearing them, he thought he and Sonny would get back to normal. Even if his boss and friend wouldn't send him out on assignments, Jason could still at least advise Sonny on situations. He wasn't all about muscle, he could think through situations. Had been doing it for years.
For some reason, though, Sonny wasn't including him on business discussions. The older man said it was because he didn't want Jason to decide to head off on his own before he was fully healed. It was best not to know anything than to feel frustrated sitting at home wishing he was out there and then committing the stupid move of rushing out before it was safe.
Despite everything Sonny said, Jason couldn't help feeling there was something more to it. It was like Sonny didn't want him to have something to do. Something to think about and distract him from the conversations running through his head. Jason had made the mistake of telling his friend about Carly's conversation in the hospital, and Sonny was still firmly entrenched in his role of Elizabeth's champion. He agreed wholeheartedly with his ex-wife and told Jason that the younger man was being foolish.
The fact was, Jake was Jason's son. Despite lying about it and letting the rest of the town and the world think that Lucky was his father, biology couldn't be denied. Jason was Jake's father. And if anyone found out, they wouldn't sit back and decide not to exploit the mobster's biggest weakness simply because Jason was pretending he didn't have a child. Jake was a part of Jason's life and everything that went with it from the moment he was conceived. There was no stuffing him back in the bag and acting like nothing had happened.
Sonny's and Carly's words ran on an endless loop through his head in the days he spent confined to his penthouse. He replayed his moments with Elizabeth here, from days of simple friendship to moments of tender love. He could still see the smile on her face the day he proposed to her, as well as her uncertainty that she was misreading the moment.
"This is not the time for you to practice your answer avoidance skills."
How many times had he done that to her? Never opening himself up completely, never being completely honest with her, always hedging his answers in an attempt to protect himself against hurt. How many times had he hurt her by his reticence and reluctance? He remembered walking away from her at Vista Point and other times, not letting her speak, and telling her the way things were going to be despite her pleas for the opposite. If he had let her talk to him that October day when she came to tell him the results of the paternity test, would she have told him the truth? Instead of telling her it was for the best he wasn't the father of her child - a child that he'd wanted since the moment he figured out he was a candidate - what would have happened if he'd stayed quiet and let her talk?
Had it been self-preservation, or was it selfishness as Carly claimed? How many times had he just assumed he knew what Elizabeth was going to say or declared that she didn't know what she was talking about and decided things for her? She had been scared at the beginning of her pregnancy with Jake and it had hurt deeply for her to ask on the morning of Alan's funeral for him to not claim his child, but she hadn't always been scared. The day that they agreed to be a family, to stop hiding, she hadn't backed away. She had known the dangers she was facing with his life - she'd patched him up several times after being shot, she was one of Kate's nurses, she'd taken care of him after Diego had kidnapped her - and she'd still wanted to be with him.
Even the day he went to her house to end things with her, she had fought him. She asked why did he have to leave everything up to her? Why couldn't he just step up and help out? Had he, in his fear, taken the coward's way out? Had he dismissed her strength, crushing it with his rejection of her, and declared that he knew better? He didn't know all, but he'd sure acted like it with her.
With a groan, Jason leaned his head back against the couch.
He had hurt Elizabeth. He'd made her feel like she didn't matter to him. He'd rejected her, their child, and the family they could have been, and thrown them away. Carly was right; despite what he'd told Elizabeth about being in this life long before he met her, she felt that he'd chosen his job over his family. And then he continued to choose it even when danger had come at them from sources other than those he'd feared most. He'd stayed away from her, despite both of them wanting nothing more than to be together, and then he'd let her leave without a fight. Any person would feel they didn't matter, that they weren't worth it, that they simply were nothing despite the words that were spoken in protest of such beliefs.
He knew that despite wanting nothing more at this moment than to find Elizabeth and the boys, it wasn't going to be easy. He could get Bernie searching for her, but she wouldn't use her name, and she wouldn't go any place obvious. To top it off, Spinelli would no doubt make her virtually untraceable. If it was just Elizabeth trying to hide herself and her sons, Jason might feel hopeful. With the computer tech on her side - even without her knowledge - erasing her tracks, creating new identities for everyone, it would be like trying to find a flake of gold on a beach.
However, he wasn't going to simply give up without even trying. He'd done that too often, and look where it had gotten him. Miserable, sick, disgusted with himself and realizing that he'd been wrong. Extremely wrong. He might not find them right away - he refused to believe that he'd never find them - but Jason was going to start looking for his family. Because he wanted them, he needed them, and he was going to do everything in his power to let Elizabeth know that.
The package caught him unawares and he didn't know whether to be angry or relieved at it. After searching for three months to find any trace of Elizabeth and the children, Jason was no closer than when he began. But he wasn't about to give up. Not when Bernie wondered if it was financially prudent to keep looking, not when Sonny went into one of his they're better off without you so stop looking modes. Sometimes Sonny supported him, sometimes he actively discouraged him. Jason learned to chalk it up to Sonny's sometimes careless taking of his medicine and keep going forward.
That's when the envelope arrived.
The postmark was smudged and illegible; the label was computer generated on a dot matrix printer. The return address was bogus. The guards had opened it to inspect it, and then Max hesitantly presented it to Jason. After a few mumbled words, the big man fled.
Curious, Jason lifted the flap on the envelope and reached inside. What he saw stunned him. Glossy 8x10 pictures of Elizabeth and her sons stared back up at him. The boys were getting bigger, Jake was clearly walking in some of the shots, and Elizabeth watched over them. The boys looked like they were happy and thriving; Elizabeth looked like she'd lost weight, and in some unguarded moments, sadness crossed her face with such intensity that Jason could feel it flowing off the slick paper. Like when she stood at the curb after having taken the garbage out and looked like she was practically in tears.
There were no distinguishing marks in the photographs. No license plates, no street signs, no house numbers. The only clues Jason had were the trees. She was somewhere with deciduous trees that were bare and covered with snow. Evergreens were also present. It wasn't much, but it was at least something to go on once more. He vowed to renew his efforts, even before he found the note telling him that his family was safe and while his attempts were admirable and he'd searched longer than Spinelli had figured he ever would, Jason really should just give up. He'd never find them.
The computer tech had thrown down a challenge to Jason and the older man was determined that he would prove the victor. He was going to find his family, no matter what Spinelli thought of him or tried to do to prevent it.
"I'm not giving up," he vowed to Bernie over the phone. "She's gotta be somewhere, and I am going to find her."
Three months later, Jason was frustrated. Every two weeks a new envelope would arrive. In it Jason would find more pictures of the family that he wanted, along with another note from Spinelli telling him to stop. Elizabeth and the children were doing fine, and in the end Jason would only end up disappointing them again.
Yet, every package contained a picture of Elizabeth looking absolutely miserable. One time it was in scrubs, standing on a rooftop much like General Hospital's watching the sunrise with tears in her eyes. One time it was sitting in her car outside a house where she went to pick up the boys from the babysitter, visibly pulling herself together so she could be strong for her children. With each picture and with each note, Jason knew that Spinelli was lying to him, and that he was also taunting him.
He hadn't found them yet, but he wasn't giving up. Spring was approaching, and soon would be Jake's second birthday. Cameron would be turning six. And he was determined that he would be with his children before they had another birthday. He hoped to find them before this May, but he wouldn't stop even if he didn't find them until five years from now.
Max knocked on the door and then stepped inside. "Got another one, Jason."
Then he handed over an envelope. Jason took it eagerly, noticing it was lighter than the rest. Anxiously he opened it, knowing it would only contain more torturing pictures, but instead finding a piece of paper.
Don't make me regret this. Don't make me be responsible for them getting hurt all over again.
When Jason unfolded the paper, he saw was an address. With a town. And a state.
Spinelli was telling him where his family was.
"Max," he said hoarsely. "I need the jet ready to go in an hour. Call Sonny and tell him I'm on my way over to see him. I just have to pack."
"Jason?" the guard questioned.
"I know where my family is. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will stay as long as I have to convince Elizabeth that I'm not giving up on her or the boys." He sighed heavily. "It could take a while, so you'll need to step up for anything that Sonny needs."
"You got it, Jason," the other man vowed. "And...good luck."
"Thanks," he said. He was definitely going to need it.
The entire flight out to Elizabeth's new town Jason couldn't sit still. He sat on the plush seats and ran his hands over his legs, or he got up and paced the small cabin, only to sit back down again and then spring up moments later like he'd sat on a tack. He had no idea what he was going to say to Elizabeth, or how she would react about him suddenly showing up. What would he say to her? How would he make her understand that he loved her and the boys and that he wanted another chance? Would she even listen to him?
Once the plane landed, he rented a car and drove straight to Elizabeth's. It was late, but he didn't know if it was late enough for the boys to be in bed. He didn't want to disrupt their evening routine, nor did he want to show up and have the boys see him only for her to send him away. As he sat in his car down the street and observed the house, he saw lights on upstairs in nearly every window. It must be bedtime. With a heavy sigh, he agreed that it was better to come back later when the boys would be asleep. That way if Elizabeth didn't want to see him, he wouldn't confuse Cameron. The little boy might remember him, and Jason wouldn't disrupt his life.
Two hours later, after checking into a hotel only to turn around and leave again and driving to get the feel of the town, Jason once again turned down Elizabeth's street. He observed the house once more, knowing that his family was inside. He just hoped he got the chance to be with them. He parked the car, checked the area as he got out, and approached the house. He could see a security system in place, and knew that it was state of the art. Spinelli must have made good on his promise to protect Jason's family the best he could.
With a lick of his lips and a clench of his fists, he stepped up onto the porch and raised his hand. Dropping it back down to his side, Jason paused, torn between actually seeing Elizabeth and turning around and leaving. This could go so badly, and he would deserve her anger and the part of him used to protecting himself wanted to continue to do so. Yet he also knew that he would get nothing in life by continuing to be scared. He wanted his family, he wanted the woman he loved, and he wasn't going to get them by walking away.
Swallowing and letting out a breath, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. Lowering his hand back to his side, he waited, looking back out at the street under force of habit. Time seemed to drag and he shifted on his feet as he waited for Elizabeth to answer the door. Maybe it was too late and she'd gone to bed right after putting the boys down. Maybe she had to work early in the morning. Just as he was debating whether to knock again or leave, he heard the locks turn and the door slowly opened.
Surprise was clear on Elizabeth's face as she stared up at him, "Ja-Jason?"
"Hi," he said softly.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm here for you," he told her. "For the boys. I...can I come in?"
She hesitated just a moment and then stepped back wordlessly, holding the door open for him. He closed his eyes in silent gratitude and then stepped inside. Her house was warm and inviting, just as it always had been, and he looked around at the décor which consisted of pictures of the boys and toys interspersed with touches of her. He turned when heard the door shut and found her standing near the entryway, staring at him.
"I...I don't understand," she shook her head. "Why are you here? We left...you said you understood...you said you wouldn't come after us. We left to be safe because we couldn't be around you. So why...why are you here?"
"Because I love you," he told her. "I love Jake and I love Cameron and I want us to be a family."
Elizabeth closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself, shrinking in and it killed him to see her shutting down on him. Pressing her lips together she quickly dashed at her cheek and then said, "I...I love you too, Jason. I...I never stopped loving you. But I discovered that love wasn't enough. I did what I had to...for me and my boys in order to just survive."
"I know," he nodded in sorrow at her words. "I know. And I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I hurt you, I know that."
"You didn't do it deliberately," she said.
"No," he agreed, and he felt that her belief in his actions might help. At least he hoped so. "I just...I thought it was the best way I could keep you and the boys safe. That if I wasn't around you then you would be okay. That you wouldn't get hurt."
Jason scrubbed his hand over his face wearily. "And then...and then you were almost killed through things completely unrelated to me and it...it scared me, Elizabeth. It scared me more than I can even say. But...but I knew those were accidents and the chances of them happening again were small, but the chances of one of you getting hurt by one of my enemies was real and it would always be there."
"I know," she whispered, swallowing thickly.
"But you still would have been dead. Cameron could be dead right now and how...how would we ever get past that? How would we heal from such a tragic accident? I wanted to hold you and I wanted to be with you and I know you wanted me there and I...I let you down. But I just...I thought it was the only way."
She looked away from him, actually turned away and he felt his heart drop. She remained silent and with each passing second that stretched into interminable minutes, he felt his nerves pulled taught. Finally when he couldn't take it any longer he hesitantly called out, "El-Elizabeth?"
"Do you know how it hurt me?" she asked, still facing away from him. "Do you know much I needed you in that moment when I raced to the hospital and saw them working on my little boy? You could sit for days by Carly's son's bedside; hold her, comfort her, let her cry on your shoulder and I..."
She broke off and tried to choke down a sob. "Your son's brother nearly died and you were nowhere in sight. You never came by the hospital, even after everyone was gone, you never sent Spinelli to check on us, or called or did anything to let me know you were thinking of us. For all I knew...you didn't even care."
"How can you say that?" he demanded of her. "How could you think that I wouldn't care that Cameron was hurt?"
Whirling around, she faced him. "Because you weren't there! You never left Carly's side but you couldn't even find one spare moment to come by."
He closed his eyes, trying to stem the burning pain of the tears threatening.
"That was when I decided to leave," she continued. "Not to punish you, but because I knew I wouldn't survive in Port Charles if I continued to live there. It wasn't to get away from the accidents, or the danger of your life, but because I had to leave to survive. I didn't want to hate you. I didn't want to become so bitter about you walking away from us that it would kill anything good that once existed between us. If I was ever going to be able to tell Jake about the wonderful man that his father was, I had to leave. And you let us go. So why are you here?"
"Because I realized how wrong I was," he answered. "Because I finally realized what Spinelli was trying to tell me when he asked how I would have felt if you or the boys had died from something not related to me. Would I have been relieved that at least you hadn't died from the business?"
Her eyes widened slightly and he continued, "I wouldn't have been. I would have been devastated. I would have been destroyed. But I clung to the foolish belief that those things that happened were only flukes, they were accidents, but you or the boys getting kidnapped, or shot because of my life wouldn't have been. That's why I had to continue staying away from you.
"But I didn't fully understand him," he told her, his voice softening in slight anguish, "until I nearly was shot in a convenience store robbery. Some punk, could have been high for all I know, robbed the store and let off a wild shot that hit right in front of me."
Her hands went up to her mouth.
"And then I walked around with a burst appendix and collapsed because I wasn't taking care of myself and...Epiphany said I was lucky to be alive."
Elizabeth closed her eyes. "It really happened."
He frowned at her whisper. "What?"
She sighed and pushed her hair behind her ears. "I...I think Spinelli was trying to get me to change my mind about leaving Port Charles. Or maybe he just wanted me to call you...I don't know."
"Spinelli?" he questioned.
"I got a newspaper clipping about the shooting, and then I got a copy of your medical chart about your appendix and..." she shook her head. "I thought maybe he was just making things up, even though I couldn't believe he would go so far as to make your blood count numbers so dire. Even though he helped me and the boys get settled here...I thought maybe he'd changed his mind and wanted me to reach out to you."
"I think Spinelli just wanted one of us to change our minds," Jason said. "He sent me pictures of you and the boys, and you would look happy in them. Except for the last one, which would be you alone when you thought nobody was watching you and you would look...so lost, so unhappy and I knew he was including them to show me that this choice wasn't for the best because it was hurting you."
"Why would he send you something like that?" she asked, her eyebrows drawn down in confusion.
"Because he knew I was looking for you, and at first he told me that I'd never find you. But I kept looking, searching the pictures for clues, anything...and even though I couldn't find anything...I wasn't giving up. I didn't care how long it took; I was going to find you to let you know that I was wrong. That I was wrong to walk away, that I was wrong to stay away and then to let you leave...I had to find you to see if there was some way we could fix things between us."
"And that's why you're here?"
She was protecting herself, but he thought he detected hope in her question. Regardless of how she might react, he nodded. "I love you, Elizabeth. I love the boys and I know you might not believe me considering that I once said this and then walked away, but I want us to be a family. I will do my best to protect you and our boys, and I...I hope that nothing happens to you. But I can't keep going on like this; not having you in my life and thinking it's better this way. It's not. It's not better for anybody."
"For almost the last year," she said, "I have dreamed of you coming here and saying you made a mistake. Even when I told myself it was foolish to think that way, that it wouldn't accomplish anything but make me hurt, there was always a part of my heart that prayed that somehow we could find a way to be together. That our family wouldn't be torn apart forever."
Her sigh was watery and her eyes shimmered with emotion as she said, "And now that you're here...how can I deny that part? I don't know how we're going to get past all the hurt we have...but how can I not say that I'll try? That I don't want to be with you when every part of me still wants you?"
He took a step towards her, "I want you too, Elizabeth. I want a family with you. I want to know that you and the boys will be there. I know that it's not going to be easy for you to trust me again...but I am willing to do whatever it takes until you do. Because I love you, Elizabeth, and I'm not letting you go again. It's too hard and it hurts too much and I realize now that there has to be a better way. And I want to find it with you."
The End
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